Have you ever hung on to something from a previous relationship, just to have a little 'security blanket' of hope that maybe one day things will change & you might get together again, even though you know deep down that it'll never happen?
Every year (at least once/year) I've written CC a quick little email with the intent of just staying in contact. I wrote her again this year, just before Thanksgiving (no reply yet, obvs). I've been telling myself (mostly) that it's because I wanted to stay friends with her, and that's partially true. Honestly, though, I've always harboured this tiny sliver of hope that we might one day see each other again & maybe the next time, things would work out. I've tried to move on several times, I've tried deleting all of our communications, but could never bring myself to do it. I archived all of the emails instead, justifying it by saying that it might be nice to go back occasionally & re-read them, just to remind myself that at some point, someone actually did like me & thought I was interesting enough to date.
About 5 minutes ago, I signed into my Y4hoo account & deleted all of those archived emails. I also deleted everything in my 'sent' folder to her. After that, I pulled up my contact list & deleted every contact I had in there. I may regret it one day, but right now, I feel ok with it. I'm disappointed, obviously, but... Well, I don't even know what to say. I've had to give up on being any kind of a close friend with GRJ this past week, the possibility of being friends with Viv is pretty much off the table, and now this. There's a hole in my life now, where those little slivers of hope used to be. It's not sad, so much as empty.
12:16 p.m. - 2018-12-28
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