KW called me last night from wherever her in-patient thing was. I didn't recognize the number, so she had to call a few times in a row before I answered it. I was surprised, because I didn't think they allowed calls during that time. She told me she's being released today sometime. I was really hoping, for her sake, they'd keep her a while longer, but I'm sure she told them all the things they wanted to hear, just like she told me she did last time. She asked me if I still want to hang out with her. I said that I did, but that I'm concerned that being around me might not be the best thing. Told her (probably shouldn't have - I never claimed to be smart) that I thought (paraphrased) what happened was my fault, based on the conversations we'd had earlier, the night it happened. She got really quiet, and eventually told me she didn't know what to say to that. Guess that pretty much confirms I was right, then, huh? I told her maybe we should talk/text first for a while, see how that goes. I don't recall much of a reply to that...
Anyway, I guess they're setting her up with a psychiatrist that she's going to be seeing every week or two(?), and they added Ab1l1fy to her prescription meds. I asked her what she planned to do about her drinking, because that can really mess with meds. She basically said that she was going to have to hide it, that she couldn't imagine not drinking, which is not what I wanted to hear. I told her that I'd basically quit drinking again, and she said that maybe we could do it together.
I don't know, man, I've just got a bad feeling about this. I don't think we should be around each other, maybe not even talking, while she's trying to get better. And if she's *not* trying to get better (drinking, etc) then I'm not sure that I want to stay friends. I think she's really cool, and I really like her, but if she's not willing to put some real effort into getting better, I don't know if I can be around her. Thing is, how could I ever possibly tell her that, knowing that it could very well push her over the edge again? I'd like to think it wouldn't, but after all this, how the fuck am I supposed to know? I feel like I'm going to have to tip-toe around her from now on. That's really going to suck.
Oh, and I was an asshole this morning. I was late for work, and there was a guy in front of me who felt I was too close to him. I could see him constantly looking in his rear-view mirror, and he was intentionally staying under the speed limit, keeping pace with the truck in the next lane so I couldn't pass him. I think the other truck must have slowed down, because I had an opportunity (albeit a small one) to pass, and when I went to accelerate to change lanes, the guy in front of me slammed on his brakes. I got pissed off & cut back into his lane, probably a bit too sharply - when I looked behind me, he had hit his brakes (was slowing way down) and cursing me & shaking his fist at me. All i could think to do was to flip him off. I felt bad about the whole thing a minute later (and more than a bit foolish), and wish I could have apologized to him, but then again, he *was* being an intentional ass.
Anyway, I find that I've got a really low tolerance for stupid shit recently, and I get way too easily annoyed by little things, like what happened today. I know that anger/irritability are some of the manifestations of depression in guys, and I can recognize it, but I have no idea what to do about it. I'd love to make an appointment with my old psychiatrist again, but (as I've mentioned several times before) I can't see shelling out $120 (or more?) per appt, just to ramble on about stupid shit for 50 minutes and not accomplish anything.
What I need are a few good, quality friends to hang out with. I need good people around me to mitigate the internal shit-storm I always put myself through on a daily basis. All of the so-called "friends" I have here in town are mostly dysfunctional alcoholics/partiers, and I'm finding that the longer I'm not around them, the less I want to be. I still think of them fondly (cliche, much?) but there aren't any that I'm really going to miss. Then again, I don't miss anybody until I'm lonely & depressed, so i guess that doesn't mean much, does it? *sigh*
1:12 p.m. - 2014-10-08
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