I've been thinking about this whole thing with KW, and I'm starting to feel guilty again, but for a different reason. What I'm going to say is really... unconventional? I don't know if any of you have been to the point of wanting to take your own life or not, but please don't jump to any conclusions or make any knee-jerk judgments about what I'm going to write, ok? Try to see it from the point of view I'm taking, because I'm feeling quite a bit of responsibility here, and I don't know how to feel about it.
I've known people who have done this before, and my dad was one of them. I'm still upset that he chose that way out, but I understand it, and I'm not angry with him for his choice. Some people are just too mentally/physically tortured to cope, and that's where my guilt comes in this time (as opposed to the guilt I felt for thinking I may have been the cause of KWs hurt that pushed her over that edge). I know that having gotten her some help will give her the chance to heal, and maybe make a better life for herself, but what if she's like me, and doesn't see any hope, and never will? What if all I've done is forced her into living a life of hell and mental anguish that can't be "fixed"? I guess what I'm getting at is, what right do I have as a compassionate human being, to decide for someone else whether life is worth living for them? Maybe there are some people who will never recover from what life has done to them, and maybe the best thing for them is to not have to struggle through the torture of life anymore? I kind of worry that all I've done is forced her to endure even more pain, and humiliation and self-consciousness by making that call. I know her family is happy that she's still here, and that they hope she can get better - I do too. But what right do I, or anyone else, for that matter, have to make that decision for someone else?
I know that I've been at the point where I don't want to live anymore, and although I've never been able to actively do anything about it, even now, sometimes I wish I was just done. I don't see any future for me, I don't see anything like happiness ever finding me again, and at times I think this is all just a terrible, miserable waste of time. As I said, I'm not going to actively do anything (no need to worry), but I really do understand the feeling of futility in life, and the desire to be done with it.
Was it fair for me to keep her here? Or am I a horrible friend for making her suffer more? Family members will do everything they can to keep their terminally ill loved ones around as long as they can. They will push medications on them, and procedures, designed to give them maybe an extra month or two, even though their loved one might be bed-ridden and miserable and in agonizing pain, just wanting to be done. What right does the family have to be so selfish that they don't care about the pain their loved one is enduring, so long as they don't have to face death until they absolutely have to? It's a different kind of misery, I know, but in a way, it's along the same lines.
I really don't even know what I'm saying, I don't know if this makes any sense, and I'm sure it'll probably piss some people off. I was just thinking of it from my point of view; if I decided I'd had enough and wanted it to be over, it's possible that I'd just want to be talking with someone special while I crossed over. It wouldn't mean that I wanted to stay, just that I wanted someone I cared about with me as I went. If someone went and ruined that by calling for help, I'd be pretty pissed off, honestly. Of course, knowing me, I probably write it up to life telling me I wasn't supposed to leave yet, but you get my point, I think.
Someone tell me I wasn't wrong in calling. That I haven't just made things worse by forcing her to stick around when she really doesn't want to be here...
12:32 p.m. - 2014-10-06
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart