Gods, how do I start this? Well, ok, here it is. I really like spending time with KW, I think she's fun/funny, and we get along pretty well, not to mention the ridiculous attraction we have to each other. I mean, it's almost overwhelming. Thing is, in all honesty she trips several of my "deal-breakers" - really wants kids, smokes like a chimney, nowhere near emotionally stable (emotional wreck is more appropriate), and is a big-time alcoholic. You all know I drink, and quite a bit sometimes, but not like this, and I can make that decision to stop when I need to as well. She can't. And it creates a lot of problems when she gets too drunk (when she's with me anyway); negative psychological issues combined with an overwhelming sex drive are not a good combination.
We texted a bit this past week & decided to try to do the "friends" thing, no drinking. Met up last night to just hang out. I needed food, so we stopped at a pub out her way. She got a couple beers, while I ate & she shared my fries with me (I stuck to diet coke, although I did have one drink later). While we were there, she mentioned a couple things that I hadn't expected: 1) she had a couple of 22s (beer) before I got there (I expected she wouldn't be drinking, remember) and 2) she wasn't seeing her guy friend anymore. The reason I bring that up, well... I'll explain that in a minute. Anyway, we ended up back at the tavern by her place, where I thought we were just gonna hang/talk/maybe shoot some pool. I did buy her a couple beers, but by this time, she was more buzzed than I relized & literally downed the 2 pints I bought her in under 2 minutes each (stopped buying them then). I knew it was coming, but wasn't mentally ready for the sexual forwardness/aggression that always comes with her getting drunk. We ended up making out, 2nd & 3rd base stuff, and though I knew the whole time I shouldn't, I just couldn't resist. She's just too sexy/tempting...
I guess that's one of the problems. I want to be friends, but whenever we see each other, we get all worked up & it always leads to some kind of physical intimacy. I guess what I need some advice on is, considering all the negatives, and that she's emotionally fragile, is it unfair of me to want to/try to pursue a physical thing with her, knowing I'll never be open to "lifetime" thing and would eventually have to end it? Even though I've explained that to her, it feels just like the "Viv" situation all over again. They really are very alike. Anyway, the reason I brought up the guy-friend is that she said something that made a lot of sense about their situation (which I don't think she realized applied to us as well). They'd been dating for about a month, and for the last two weeks, she could just feel it wasn't right, she said. Then she told me that she decided "why continue if she knew it wasn't going to work out, it would just hurt more the longer it went on" (paraphrased). It's kind of funny, because it's the same thing I tried to explain to her a while back, but either she didn't get it, or didn't want to hear it.
I'm supposed to go out to her place Saturday to look at/see if I can fix her car. Then we're supposed to hang out for a while, maybe see a movie later. Truthfully, she tried to get me to promise I'd sleep with her that day too. I think we need to have a conversation though. I mean, I'd really like to have someone who's open to just sleeping together, but I'm pretty sure she wants much more, and I don't think I can pretend I don't know that.
I was going to ask advice, but the act of writing this out has really helped me decide. I need to be clear that we're not going to be a "forever" thing, and if she decides she can't be friends with me because of that, I'll have to let her go.
I really don't like letting go. I'm still haunted by the first "let her go" I ever heard. I felt my heart shrink for the first time that day. I couldn't have been more than 5-6yrs old... but that's another story entirely.
7:13 p.m. - 2014-10-03
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