So, we hung out all day, had a pretty great time. Came back to my place for pizza & a couple beers, things were still ok. Went back to her place later so she could let her dogs out, hung out there for a while, had a few more beers. Things got serious, conversationally. We both got bummed out. She wanted me to stay overnight, I told her I had to get home. She was teary-eyed & told me she really needed me to stay (which she's told me before more than once).
This time, I guess she meant it. She texted me while I was driving home, about how she was sorry, and that there was something genuinely wrong with her, that she was "unstable and ill". Told me she felt the safest when she was in the hospital (sh tried to commit suicide before, I think I mentioned), and asked me if I'd visit her if she went back. Of course, I told her I would (and I would). Then she tells me that she might end up there tonight anyway, and I try to get her to call a helpline or 911 or something. Says she will later, then tells me she took a bunch of pills - 15 of her anxiety meds & maybe 9 sleeping pills. I really can't tell if she's exaggerating or underestimating or what, but I I ask her to please call someone. She's still texting me coherently, so I try to talk to her a bit, see if I can change her mind. She won't tell me her address (I know where the place is, but not the house number), but luckily, I remembered that we put it in the gps of my truck one time, so I went out & got it.
She stopped texting back to me, so I called & got her on the phone. She was talking but slurring her words, and I couldn't make out much of anything she was saying, so I told her I was going to hang up & call 911 for her, and that I'd call her right back. I called them, told them where she was & they had to transfer me to another county. That transfer rang maybe 20 times before someone answered, those fuckers. The lady who answered was a fucking disinterested smart-ass, but I got the information to her about KW, her location, what she told me she took, etc. and they said they'd send someone out to check on her. That was 30 minutes ago & I don't know if they're going to call me back or what!? I tried to call KW back a few times, but she must have turned off her phone, because it's going straight to voicemail.
I'm freakin out, I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted and ready to pass out, but I can't get to sleep yet, not knowing what's going on...
I don't know what to do, or how to feel. I should have called someone sooner. I shouldn't have left her alone tonight & just stayed over. I'm sure there was something different I could have done...
Just tried to call her again, she answered, but I don't think I heard her say anything. I told her people were coming, and then I heard a guy's voice in the background. After listening for a few minutes, I'm pretty sure it was the paramedics. I kept trying to get their attention on the phone, but eventually, someone hung up. I tried to call right back, but it went straight to voicemail again. I'm guessing they shut it off.
Fuck, I just thought of something... if she ends up in the hospital (or a psychiatric hospital), how am I going to find out where she is so I can visit her?
And what the fuck is wrong with me, exposing someone with those kinds of issues to my fucked up life? None of this would've happened if I'd just stopped seeing her like I thought I should. Fuck.
3:02 a.m. - 2014-10-05
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