We were supposed to hang out again tonight, but the more I think about the whole situation, the less I like it. The only time I get forward like that is when I've been drinking (or possibly with other things), and it's just not me. I think the liquor/other stuff is a way I detach emotionally, and that lets me think I can pursue baser activities. This would also explain why, when I was with Viv, 99% of the time when we were "intimate" we were on something (liquor included). It was fun at the time, but looking back, it was the only way I could have stayed with her that long. We weren't right, and I knew that from the beginning - same with GRJ, although I will admit to having more of a connection with her, enough so that we didn't need to imbibe to be physical. I miss GRJ's & my physical connection; we were good together!
Anyway, I was kind of a prick and avoided the situation by telling her that I'd had a bad conversation with family tonight & wasn't in the mood for company. She was mad that my family has upset me & still wanted to come over; I declined. Said I might just go out for a drink & call it a night. She wanted to know where I was going. Said I didn't know, and wasn't even sure I was. Then she kind of got miffed, sent me a couple one-word texts, one of which was "lame", the next was 'Really?". I asked if she was mad, she said no, just disappointed. I think she was just wanting some action & probably felt... betrayed? Mislead? Can't blame her, I can be quite charming when I'm a few drinks into the night, and it's not right for me to do that and then just change my mind. Huh... Just realized, I'm a tease! Damnit. Anyway, She's going to be in town tomorrow as well (going back home Saturday morning). I'm trying to decide if I want to hang out again & explain things, or just avoid her for one more day, then pretend it never happened. I'm such an ass...
I have to wonder, honestly, if my inability to be open to things like this is a character flaw. I had the same issue with CC when we were dating - being afraid to get into the physical side of our relationship... and with her, I couldn't say it was because she wasn't my type, or that I wasn't interested in something more. Wish I could go back to my psychiatrist again to discuss it, but insurance doesn't cover it anymore.
Speaking of CC, we're still talking, and she's sending emails of her own accord, not just in response to me. It's really good being able to talk with her still. She went back home to the east coast to visit family for the holidays. I asked her to stop off here on her return flight, she joked that I should come out & meet her parents (inside joke), and I told her I couldn't, but a motorcycle trip to her hometown this summer was doable! Haven't heard back yet, but I'm cautiously hopeful she'll be up for it.
...
Gods, I'm a lost cause, aren't I? Pining away for someone unattainable (ok, two someones - don't get me started on the other), dismissing more realistic opportunities... I'm going to be alone forever, aren't I? I don't really believe that, but every day that goes by like this makes it more believable.
Goodnight.
1:50 a.m. - 2013-12-27
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