The bartender came over again last night, rather late, and we hung out. As I'd just gotten done with a heavy workout & hadn't been drinking at all, I was a bit tired, and back to my usual more introverted, somewhat awkward self (which I explained, although having known me for years, she kind of gets anyway). We talked, listened to some records, had a couple beers, etc. but it wasn't like last time. My mind always gets in the way, ya know? No kissing at all until she was leaving, just sitting close, hands on each other's leg/arm/hand/etc. Anyway, based on an off-hand comment as she was leaving last night, I now know that she wants to sleep with me at some point.
Seems like something that would be a positive thing, right? And why wouldn't I want that? Most any guy would jump at the chance, so why am I less than interested? It would be simple, no-strings-attached action. My 1st guess? The kissing - chemistry does a lot for me, and there really was none, it was just nice. 2nd, not my physical type in the least bit, 3rd, maybe, is that I'm just not into casual sex. I want to be, because it's been a damn long time, and I love sex, but it's really more about the connection than the physicality for me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just "put myself out there" & sleep around a bit, kind of move beyond my boundaries, try to open myself up a bit. Other times, the thought of lackluster, going-through-the-motions sex is just depressing. I only say lack-luster because to me, any sex without chemistry/connection is just kind of empty.
I guess what I'm debating with myself right now is, should I try again to step out of my normal boundaries & give it a shot, or should I stay true to what feels natural & wait for something I think could be worthwhile? The last time I tried to just sleep with someone (years ago) I was so turned off by the whole thing I couldn't even perform (that girl was, I think, the *worst* kisser I've ever met! Ugh.). Anyway, the fact that I think I'd need to be drunk in order to go through with it tells me something, yes?
Sometimes I really dislike being me. *sigh*
12:48 p.m. - 2013-12-26
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart