Not sure if it's just because I got fairly good sleep last night, or because I sent the email last night that I wouldn't be coming to x-mas, but I felt pretty positive when I woke up this morning. I'm guessing it's the latter, because I was dreading not only the hrs-long drive, but the whole event. I'm sure that either later tonight, or at the latest, by the end of this week, I'll be getting phone calls/emails asking why I didn't come, laying passive-aggressive guilt trips on me about not being there for/with the family, etc. but I really don't care. Stepfie asked whether I got along with my family, and the answer is yes, we get along fine, I just don't connect with them, nor do I feel close with them at all. I do feel guilty for that, because I know they love me/care about me, but in all honesty, I just don't, except for a couple distant relatives I never see.
This is one of the things that worries me about, well, me. Makes me wonder if I'm inherently broken, or if it's just an issue of not finding the right people to connect with. That sounds kind of strange, as that would mean my family isn't the "right people". Not sure if I've mentioned this since I started my new journal, but I was adopted when I was two months old. My ma was very good about letting me know it - I can't remember a time when I didn't know that I was specially chosen. I've always appreciated the fact that she didn't hide it from me. She even peeked at the names of my biological parents when she wasn't supposed to know, and gave them to me when I was old enough to understand. I've never really had a desire to find them, though. My "real" family is the one who raised me, and I don't have the emptiness that so many adopted kids tend to have; I don't have that strong desire to "find my roots" or what-have-you. Still, I have to wonder if it had the unintended effect of making me think I didn't really belong. I mean, if anything, I should feel better about it, because I wasn't just some unintended accident, I was chosen to be a part of a family.
Ugh. My brain hurts. I'm gonna watch more gh0st hunt3rs & see if I can get some work done on the bedroom. Maybe I'll come back & revisit this another time...
11:27 a.m. - 2011-12-25
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