I've been doing my best to stay away from the computer, because I felt I was starting to rely on it too much for interaction, and it was starting to mess with my head. I also have been leaving my phone off, partly to stop me drunk-texting an ex, and partly because I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. I've even been avoiding the Joker, which should tell you something.
Truthfully, most of the reasons for this are solely due to my falling into a sort of depression after a phone conversation I had. As it's been so long since I've written, I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I was talking with a realtor about options for getting out of my house without hurting my credit. Well, he finally called back & told me that no, no matter how I did it (aside from selling it for the total owed, which will be impossible) there was no way for me to get out with my credit intact. It may seem like a small thing, but for some reason, it was devastating to me. It brought back all of the resentment and defeat I felt after my breakup, the feeling of being forced by cirumstances beyond my control to stay in a house that had so much negative energy for me, so many painful, debilitating memories, a house that came to represent and mirror my inner feelings; neglected, run-down, deteriorating, unwanted. It was my prison for years - I was trapped in a place that reminded me constantly of the failures in my life, the deep and abiding pain and isolation I felt.
I'd thought that, with time, I'd managed to conquer those feelings, to turn them around, into something beneficial. I thought I was ok being there, living the way I had/have been, barely getting by due to a large house payment, never being able to buy new things beyond basic necessitites. I figured it was my destiny to live a life of humility, of little material wealth, as so many of the people I know around town have done. I couldn't afford a new car, so I had to suffice with beaters for years on end, always paying more in repair costs than they were worth. I couldn't buy new furniture, because as the saying goes (and *not* in reference to Sarah Palin!!) putting new furniture in that place would be like putting lipstick on a pig. Same thing for painting the walls, or decorating, or renewing/refurbishing anything - the house is worth less than half what is owed, and fixing things would be just like tossing my cash in a fireplace. I had a glimpse of hope, in talking with the realtors, and I allowed myself to believe it was possible, to believe that I saw a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel. When I heard that it wasn't going to work the way I'd hoped, I gave up. I berated myself for allowing myself to believe, to have hope, to think it was actually possible for my life to get better.
You see, I'm an honorable man - I believe in taking care of my obligations, no matter what (if at all possible). I've never defaulted n a loan/credit card in my life, and the thought of intentionally doing so disgusted me. I couldn't allow myself to go there, because then I'd be an even bigger loser than my secret, hidden emotions thought. I couldn't fathom it, and that caused me to "know" that I was doomed to a life of bill-induced poverty. Over the past week or two (I think!? I have no idea how long it's been), I've fretted over it, I've continued discussing options with the realtors, and I've drank. A lot. 4, 5, 6 nights a week. I've still managed to fit in a few workouts, but even then, I'm sitting at home & thinking. I hate thinking. So I go out. I'm struggling with it right now. When I'm happy, I can have a few drinks, and all is good - when I'm down, I can't have "just a few" drinks, and I fall apart. Surprisingly, however, allowing myself to do so inevitably helps me to pick myself back up again. I think I'm on an upswing right now - I've got a possible exit strategy, a way out. Once I accepted the fact that I was going to have to temporarily let my credit go to hell, it was an easy decision.
I'm buying a house, cheap - a foreclosed house, under $30k, and small. I have almost $9k to put down, so I should have no trouble getting a loan for it, and the loan payment will be *cheap*. Since I'm still current on my present mortgage, I still have good credit. Once I have the new house, and am ready to move in, I will call my other mortgage holder & let them know I'm done, that I'm giving the house/deed back. If they won't accept that, then I just stop paying on it & let them proceed with the foreclosure. It will ruin my credit in the short-term, but after doing some calculations, I realized something really cool! If I pay almost triple payments on the new place (which will still be only 2/3 of my current payment) I will have the new place paid off in 3 years! 3 years is also about how long a foreclosure stays on your credit file. The entire time I'm paying on the new place, I'll be rebuilding my credit, and saving hundreds of dollars a month, which I can put towards fixing up the new place. Once that's done, I can start rebuilding my personal life - new furniture, a new vehicle, new wardrobe, etc... In 3 years, I can be living completely debt-free! No house payment whatsoever!
It's taking all I have to not let myself get too excited/worked up about it, because I get so bummed out when I'm disappointed that I'm afraid to believe this can really happen. I'm working towards it, but i can't let my thoughts wander into the freedom I can see. I hope to whoever/whatever deities there are, that I can finally be rid of this place, my history, and that I can finally move on & build a life in which I can be happy.
Wish me luck, if you're so inclined...
2:20 p.m. - 2009-07-22
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