So many things are 'clicking' in my mind since Swordfern introduced me to this Polyvagal podcast, that I''m feeling a bit overwhelmed, yet, hopeful. I feel a lot like I did when I came across my first Wayne Dyer book, and how illuminating that was.
I'm also realizing that I have so much suppressed trauma, and I've basically been living in flight/fight/freeze (shutdown) mode for the majority of my life; since I was 7-8 years old, with maybe one or two 1 year periods of 'safe & social' reassurance in the beginning of those one or two relationships. Aside from those two girls/women (and one current good friend), the only 'safe' person I've ever had was my grandfather, who died sometime in the mid- to late 90s. I couldn't usually be open with him due to extenuating familial circumstances, so he wasn't much help. (And no, my parents/family were *not* safe people for me, emotionally.)
Anyway, I feel like I could go on for days, but I won't. Suffice it to say I understand a lot better now, how the series of traumas in my life, have snowballed due to not having anyone with whom I could co-regulate, anyone who could help me regain that 'safe harbor' feeling of knowing things would be alright. My experience has been that no, they won't be alright, ever, and that's what my mind currently sees. It's entirely why I have so much trouble falling/staying asleep - my mind is on constant alert for danger. I live in flight or fight mode, and my depression happens when I go into shutdown mode. Without anyone to help pull me back up 'the ladder', I remain stuck in a vicious cycle of self-affirming misery, dejection, and isolation.
It really sucks, but at least now that I can recognize what's happening, I may be able to prevent the worst of it, even if I have to do it on my own... (by the way, if you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about re:Polyvagal theory & want to know, there's a link a few entries back.)
P.S. I discovered that my biometric ring can't tell whether I'm sleeping or just calm/meditating. I went to bed at 8pm last night but couldn't shut my mind off, so I tried focusing on my breath. Ended up doing this until around 10:15pm, at which time I broke down, got up and took one sleeping pill. (The ring thought I'd been asleep the majority of that time! I had to modify my bed time in the app.) Anyway, I intend to quit taking them, but I've read that getting a good night's sleep before your vaccine shot is important, and I got my 2nd one today. I won't take any more after this, at least for several months.
4:21 p.m. - 2021-04-08
Recent entries:
Deserved. - 2021-04-17
Let-down. - 2021-04-15
Not really worth the effort. - 2021-04-12
Another intimate dream - 2021-04-10
Reminiscing - 2021-04-09
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