In case you haven't noticed by all my posting and deleting entries, I've been having a difficult time recently. In the last few days though I've had a bit of positivity return, due mainly to two things.
1) Swordfern told me about Polyvagal Theory and gave me a link to a podcast that she liked. She's mentioned it before (quite a while ago actually), but apparently I wasn't ready for that particular 'teacher' at that time and never pursued it. I've listened to a few of them (from the beginning) and everything that I tend to go through emotionally, even the repeated patterns, makes perfect sense through that lens. I'm actually hesitantly excited to find that I'm "Stuck, not Broken". (Keep clicking 'Load More' at the bottom to get to the earliest posts.) Hopefully I can find some relatively concrete steps to take to change/improve my situation.
2) I've been seeing a new chiropractor for the last couple months, and while it was helpful, I wasn't seeing a lot of progress. He was out this week, so my appointment was shifted to one of the other doctors in the office. His style is a bit different, but I think I prefer it. I filled him in on my thoughts of my 'condition', what my issues were, my work conditions, the things I do on my own for stretches, etc and then he assessed me/my spine & made some adjustments. This was the first time I've ever heard "Your spine is fine! Everything moves as it should, you're not locked up/immobile anywhere. I think your issue is soft-tissue related." He gave me the names of two massage therapists at the sports massage center next door and had me make an appointment with one of them (schedule was full, won't get in until the end of the month). I've always assumed that I had structural defects in my spine and right hip which were causing my issue - to be told that this likely wasn't the case was a bit of a shock, but a pleasant one!
So anyway, in the last few days, I've been given small rays of hope on two different fronts that I had assumed would be life-long issues, but may not be after all. This is a pretty big deal for me, and I hope the positivity will stick around for a while. The only issue I'm really having at the moment is that this self-care will be costly (compared to my recent lifestyle) - it's essentially 10% of my base take-home pay, and will be the 2nd largest monthly bill I have (on an annual basis). I just have to remember that when I was going out every weekend drinking & seeing live music, I spent more than this, so it's all relative, right? I think I can successfully rationalize it to myself that way.
Oh, and speaking of drinking, I will be having my 1st drink in 4 months tonight. Keeping it simple, just Hendrick's gin and Ginger ale. May have two, but that's it. Fortunately, I'm in a place currently where it's not about getting drunk, it's simply about enjoying a good drink. I'm looking forward to it!
4:47 p.m. - 2021-04-01
Recent entries:
Another intimate dream - 2021-04-10
Reminiscing - 2021-04-09
Making sense of traumas. - 2021-04-08
Third experiment confirmed, and Covid at work - 2021-04-05
Good news / bad news. - 2021-04-03
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