I finally just had the energy to read my notes. Thank you for making to effort to connect - I'm sorry if I worried anyone.
I'm sure I wrote about it before, but in case I didn't, I'd like to clarify something; suicidal ideation is/can be a relief-valve for people who are/have been seriously/clinically depressed for a long time (at least for some, including me). Knowing that we have some form of control over our lives helps dissipate the absolute hopelessness we can feel. I don't ever intend to check out on my own, but depression makes it feel like it really wouldn't be that big of a deal if I were gone. Knowing I have that option kind of takes all the pressure off, if that makes sense, and allows me to ease up on myself (my negative inner voice is brutal).
I know that this is part of my cycle, part of how I cope when I get so lost or worked up that I don't know what to do, and a big reason nobody wants to be my friend. (As an aside, I also think this might be, or be related to, an autistic meltdown; I can get so frustrated that everything in me short-circuits & shuts down and I give up and have to withdraw from life.) Anyway, it's a hard thing to handle, hearing that someone doesn't care if they live or die. Knowing this about myself, I can't blame anyone for avoiding me, and that's why I don't fault anyone for it.
Swordfern's note is the kind of thing I usually see right before most people give up on me. It's basically, "You frustrate me to no end, why don't you just fix yourself already?". (Not saying she means it that way, just that that's what I've seen from many others). And they're right to do so; not many people have the bandwidth to tolerate/cope with someone like me, on top of all the other stressors in life. They need to take care of themselves and their loved ones first. That's as it should be.
I'm not really sure where I'm even going with this... I was talking with Swordfern online earlier & said something that felt pretty accurate - "I feel a bit like a stray dog who's been on his own for years, not trusting humans. I could trust them again, but it'll be a long, slow process". I think I should add to that, "and it will likely take just the right person (or persons) to get through to me & convince me to trust again".
...
You know, somewhat off-topic, I had a thought the other day... I wonder if co-dependence is always a bad thing? Like maybe there's a person out there who really needs to rescue a stray dog to feel fulfilled, and a stray like me really needs to be rescued by someone like that?
Yeah, it's silly... was just a thought.
5:59 p.m. - 2020-11-16
Recent entries:
More negative than positive - 2020-12-02
Busy work - 2020-11-28
Money well spent. - 2020-11-27
Unusually pleasant holiday - 2020-11-26
Physical isolation - 2020-11-25
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