Lots of depression issues recently, which resulted in several posted/deleted entries. I'm actually glad I deleted most of them, although I did save one so I could repost it when I felt a bit better (go back one...) Also, been having a lot of back issues, bad enough for me to have used several of my hoarded stash of hydrocodone.
I think I needed to go through the sadness I've been dealing with the last few weeks. I actually found myself crying more days than not in the last week even, and it made me wonder if I might finally be accessing, or at least no longer suppressing as much, some of my negative emotional traumas from my past. I may not know for a while (if ever), but I'm choosing to see it as a net-positive for now. If I spiral into a major downturn for the next several months though, I may reconsider.
I also think that maybe I'm on the right track with the back issues as well. Even though things have seemingly gotten worse (I have a tingling nerve shooting down the outside of my left shoulder to my elbow at the moment), I think I may be onto something as far as a more permanent improvement goes. For example, when I 1st realized I had a leg imbalance & needed a heel shim, my back was messed up for weeks, trying to readjust it's 'standard' compensatory structure. I think the same is happening now. I've recently realized that I may have some shortened ligaments in the right side of my rib cage and down through my right hip, based on previous x-rays.
For the last couple weeks in the morning when I do my breathwork, I've been overly-exaggerating the stretch on my right side, leaning way to the left to create a form of 'traction' in order to loosen things up. In the process of doing so, I noticed that my right hip feels like it's opened up/doesn't feel 'pinched/closed off as it usually does. Would seem to be a good thing, but now my spine is freaking out, several vertebrae are misaligned, and I'm getting nerve issues in my neck, shoulder, sometimes face, along with a lot of pain when I transition from sitting to standing/walking. I'm sure it'll improve soon, but right now, it's one more thing to add to the list of 'things that make me depressed'.
Speaking of which, I haven't been able to finish the fender for my new bike, because I'm nervous that I'll fuck it up. I'm going to try to get to it again this week, but this is why I don't have the new bike out yet. Unfortunately, the old bike has died on me yet again, stranding me for an hour, 10-15 miles from home (It did start up eventually, and ran with no issues all the way home!?). Couldn't get a tow truck, and even if I did, they wouldn't have allowed me to ride with them to my house to drop off the bike (isolation issues), so I would've had to walk home. Point being, I can't ride the old cycle any further than around the block or so anymore because it's unreliable. Add one more thing...
Ok, that's enough for now. I almost made the decision to close this journal a few days ago, as I'd been unable to bring myself to write anything, but I'm going to hold off on that for a bit & see how things go.
3:54 p.m. - 2020-05-19
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