(entry written a couple weeks ago, deleted but saved, and now, reposted)
I'm having a hard time right now, reconciling the life I think I've lived, that I feel like I've lived, with the one I actually have. I don't feel time slip past the way most people do. It's like I'm stuck in this singular moment. It feels like I've always been here, actually.
I look in the mirror and am surprised, then saddened, to see the years on my face, yet not recognize them. Everything seems like it happened last week, or last month, even if it's been a year, two years, ten, twenty... People around me grow, marry, have kids who grow into young adults, others grow old & die, yet in my mind, my life hasn't changed. My coworker's kid is 3 years old now; my sister's kids are teenagers; Viv's kid is 5 or 6 now, my son would've been able to legally drink this year (or was it last year?). It feels like each one of these kids was born a few months ago, and it just confuses me.
I don't recognize the person who looks back at me in the mirror anymore - all I see is a sad old man with nothing (or rather, no one) to live for, and I wonder, can I bring myself to accept him, or should I just cover all the mirrors in the house?
Do you remember your first love? That first, pure, innocent, heart-aching love you felt before you knew what it was to feel broken, downtrodden, jaded? I remember mine like it was yesterday... Did you ever find that again? Or was everything that came after, just a sorry, adulterated, mocking facsimile? That's probably just me, I suppose.
All I really want in life is for that feeling to return, and have it be reciprocated by another. Why is that so difficult to find? Or rather, why am I so difficult?
3:52 p.m. - 2020-05-19
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