Thanks for your notes, everyone, they really helped me accept that it's ok to emote here (even if I do still feel awkward about it). I feel like I want to explain the 'embarrassed' comment, though I'm not sure why, or whether it will help/change anything.
The reason I felt that way was due to something I read in life-my-way's journal that triggered some introspection. She made a comment about a friend of hers being in a 'gloomy place', and not being able to imagine continuing conversations like that for decades.This really struck a chord with me, and made me both see something I either hadn't seen before, or had forgotten - unless they really love you, people don't have the capacity/bandwidth to deal with/support someone who always seems to be down. It's a drag on their psyche/mental health, and out of self-preservation, they will always tend to withdraw from those relationships.This is basic human nature, and not a bad thing at all, unless you're the one who's always sad.
This is why, outside of my journal, I never discuss any of my feelings with anyone anymore*, unless I get so drunk that I forget & let my guard down. Unfortunately, when I do that, it does exactly what I described above; it puts people off, and makes them avoid me. Obviously, I'm causing my own isolation, by either being too closed off, or emoting and driving people away. It seems like I've been told in the past that I should also share my joys, and that might bring balance to any friendship/relationship, but there's a big problem with that - namely, that joy and happiness are such seldom occurrences that I practically never have anything of that nature to share. The best I can usually do is offer an empathic, impartial ear to others who are having issues.
Helping others this way makes me feel good, but only to a certain extent, because I really can't allow for reciprocation. Most people can be down, talk through things, and then get back to 'normal'. I've been this way since I was maybe 8 yrs old (for the most part), and they just don't understand how I can't 'get over/past it'. And it's not for lack of trying, I think they just honestly don't get it and get frustrated, then give up on trying to 'help'.
And believe me, I get it. I don't blame them... Still I wish I could find people who can accept me the way I am (like this Eeyore image I found a while back), and I wish I could allow those people into my life, without feeling like a burden, and like I have to protect them from my depression (or feeling like if I don't shelter them from it/hide it from them, they're going to leave).
All of these things feel like stuff I should have learned growing up; seems like people are much more willing to teach a child how to behave/interact with others in a healthy way, than trying to help an 'adult' do the same. I don't feel like an adult, I still feel like a kid who doesn't understand the rules of the 'game' at all...
* with one exception.
4:18 p.m. - 2020-04-17
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