I've been thinking about why I feel like I'm missing out on things in life. I have a few online friends who I see doing all of these exciting things, things that I never imagined myself doing, things that I wish I could do. But I wonder why I want to do these things? Is it really because i want to try them, or is it because I feel like I'm missing out in life?
There are things that I really enjoy doing, even if sometimes my depression makes it hard to remember that. When I can stick with it, I really enjoy strength training - in fact, I start to look forward to it. Also, I would be lost without the ability to get on a motorcycle and just go. I enjoy reading books, and making complex financial spreadsheets, and playing music/singing. Why do I feel that these things are somehow less worthwhile than the things I see my friends doing? Is it because there's no novelty to my activities? Is it because all of my activities are pursued as solo events?
I should be happy to enjoy the things I do. I should be satisfied to know that I do have things I enjoy doing. My guess is that these new things I wish I could do feel like they hold the possibility of new social interactions, of finding people with whom I can connect. I don't feel that with anything I do currently. Another possibility is that I'm feeling isolated/stuck in a rut (even if I do find it comfortable) and maybe the idea of these new things feels like a way to shake things up?
I've tried to find new things to do around here, local events I wouldn't normally attend, etc. but the idea of trying them by myself is not only daunting (social anxiety) but also a bit depressing/disappointing. I think new experiences are meant to be shared in the moment, or at least, shortly thereafter. There are people I can share them with online, but it's just not the same as having someone there with you, you know? There's something about in-person, tactile expressions that simply can't be replicated with text, or even voice.
...
I've been sitting for the past five minutes thinking of what else to write, but the only thing that's coming to me is that there's really only one thing that's missing in my life - the ability/opportunity to share/emote with a select few people in person, to have people with whom to share things beyond the typical gossip/reality tv/politics/drunken revelry bullshit.
I wish I could bring those of you to whom I feel connected close to me, or that I could be in multiple places at a time, so that we could connect on a personal level, even if only to hang out occasionally. I don't know that being close by would help though, as I can't even connect with the 1-2 people here in town with whom I'm somewhat close, and I've been completely free (not been working) for almost three weeks, and we still can't find time to get together. Seems like I'm the only person I know who doesn't have a 'life' that's full, or demands their constant attention.
p.s. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining too much, the above really feels more 'observational' than anything.
8:23 p.m. - 2019-12-10
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