It's funny how even small disappointments like today seem to be much worse, when there's no one you can go to for perspective/support. Every little negative thing I go through, as minor as it may be, seems to grow into this realization that I have no one on whom I can rely/lean on.
I don't remember whether I wrote about this before (I meant to but likely never did?). I had a realization a month or two ago, about my current emotional condition vs how I've seen others heal & move on, and I kind of came up with a dumb analogy to explain it. Feel free to laugh or call me an idiot if you like, because it feels overly simple.
So, I kind of realized that emotional trauma (for example, a bad breakup or loss of a loved one) is sort of like spilling red wine on a white/light carpet. You know it's going to stain it, but if you address it right away & work at it for a while, you can greatly minimize the discoloration. If all of our life's traumas are red wine stains, the carpet will be blotched with varying levels of dark spots. If you've been diligent and were raised to know how to deal with those stains, or fortunate to have people in your life who were willing to help you clean up the spill, your carpet will only show faint reminders of your past traumas.
If, on the other hand, you have no idea how to address those stains, or have no support system to help you deal with those spills at that time, or are so shocked/traumatized by those events (depression, ptsd, etc.), then you're likely to just leave it there, maybe even pretend it never happened, or ignore it, hoping it will go away/fix itself eventually. These people's carpets are full of black/purple stains that will never come out, and will always show their trauma, no matter how they may try to hide the stains. They're irreparably damaged, and there's no saving them.
I've watched people go through very traumatizing breakups, or loss of loved ones, etc, and I've seen how the ones who have support systems heal & move on. Even though they have slight, lingering 'stains' (as we all do) they're not easily seen and rarely affect things, or prevent them from moving forward.
Even though, for many of the traumas I went through, I had family or a significant other available, none of them new anything about being supportive, or how to help me work through things (not necessarily their fault, I'm difficult to understand). For the last several, I had no one to turn to though, and I spent the last couple of decades emotionally alone with my pain/stains, and was unable to 'clean them up', as it was all I could do to get through each day. I feel like my emotional 'carpet' is so dark with stains now that there's no way to tell what color it originally was; like, the pure, hopeful, light-hearted person I was when I was a kid has been irretrievably lost, too stained to ever be found again.
Yeah, I know I carried that analogy a little far, but I don't care. It was just brought to the forefront today because I'm disappointed about how things went & would really like to talk to/hang out with someone, and there's nobody to fill that need for me. Honestly, that's the part that hurts me the most.
2:35 p.m. - 2019-08-17
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart