I just got back from visiting with my grandmother - she's really not doing well. Apparently, she had another TIA this morning & had an accident in her bed. They got her into the bathroom & she finished her 'business', then they cleaned her up & changed her bed linens, but when I got there, I could tell that it had likely happened again. Every time she took her arms out from under the blanket, I could smell it.
After notifying the staff, I sat & talked with her. At first, she was pretty well out of it; kept asking me the same questions over & over every five minutes or so, she was struggling to form her words correctly, just really not doing well. Once I sat her up in her bed and gave her some ice water, she started to do better & we had a decent, if superficial, conversation. She still was asking repeat questions, but I could see she recognized the names of her friends when I mentioned them, and it seemed to focus her more. The cancerous growths on her neck have gotten quite large now, and they look like they hurt, but she hadn't had any pain meds today. This isn't unusual, because she's never liked taking anything for pain - when she broke her hip, she didn't even get any pain meds for that either, until she had to (when they started moving her around in the bed). Anyway, my ma said they tried tramadol a couplefew weeks ago & it made her completely incoherent, so she stopped. Today she got a couple of standard Tylenol. She was tired & wanted to go to sleep, so I left before I could find out how well they worked, but she was happy to have taken them.
She mentioned a couple times about not knowing when the 'things' on her neck were 'going to get better'... I'm not really sure if she understands what's going on, or if maybe she's suppressing it so she doesn't have to deal with it mentally. Seeing her in that state, frail, so tired, fuzzy memory, and looking like she's wasting away, has really... I don't know if 'upset me' is the right way to phrase it, but it's kind of accentuated the negative feelings I've been having. I have to cook meals for the week right now, but I think I'm going to visit a couple breweries tonight, after that. I need to get out of my head, focus on something external. I've been debating going out anyway, so maybe this is the thing that's telling me I should.
And maybe it's because of my already somewhat fragile current state, but I'm really missing someone right now, too.
3:59 p.m. - 2019-02-24
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