Thought of a few more things about which to write, so I figure I'll get them down now before I forget.
There are some supplements I used to take when doing strongman that really helped with muscle growth. I've been meaning to start them again, and maybe now is a good time, because there's an interaction between them and alcohol that's bad for your liver (similar to Tylenol), and I know I won't drink if I'm taking them. Maybe that can be a jump-start for a longer-term 'dry spell'?
2nd, every time I go to a particular out-of-town pub, I run into this girl, I can't remember if her name is Amber or Amanda, but anyway, she really intrigues me. She's really attractive, really cool and interesting to talk with. Every time I see her, I want to ask her out, but I'm hesitant, because she has a 10-11yr old son. I've written about her before, but as with the Gambler, whenever I don't see her for a while, the intrigue fades from memory. Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what the big deal is for me about kids, and whether it's genuine, or something I'm blowing out of proportion.
Has anyone dated someone with kid(s) when they didn't have any? What was it like? Did you have any issues to deal with? How did you handle it? I know that, in the beginning, it wouldn't be an issue, but if things went well & the relationship developed, what then? I know it'll come off as selfish, but I don't really want to raise a kid, nor do I want all of the financial responsibilities that might go along with it. I guess I keep looking at the negative what-ifs, without seeing the positives, like, if everything went well. I guess it's kind of a 'prepare for the worst' situation.
Honestly, I also don't know how I might handle it. My son would have been 18 about now; I'm not sure how I'd handle watching a kid grow up in front of me. Just the thought of it makes me nervous. But maybe it's just that I've had my heart closed off for so long that I worry about letting anyone in again. Sure, everything might work out fine, but the odds are against it, and I really don't know how (or if) I'll handle another loss of any kind.
Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone from now on. Maybe that's the only way I'll live into old age. Maybe my solitude is a defense mechanism I created to protect myself. Maybe my odd & off-putting behaviors are subconsciously meant to drive people away so that I'll never have to find out whether I'll live through the next emotional loss.
Or maybe I just need some sleep.
9:48 p.m. - 2018-04-08
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