I only went out twice yesterday; once for lunch, once for dinner, both at the Pub. So far today, I've only gone for lunch (same place). I may go back for dinner as well. Aside from that, I've been here, trying to think of things to do that don't involve bars or drinking (Pub excluded) and not having much luck. I'm not exercising much anymore (missed 3 weeks, I think? Maybe more like 5?) and am putting on weight. Drinking/socializing was starting to take over again, so I decided 3 days ago to quit; for now, that means completely. Eventually, maybe I'll allow myself a beer with dinner or something, but not now.
Anyway, all I've done the past two days is watch a couple shows, a movie, and read a book. Both times while reading, I got so tired I fell asleep, even though I've been getting enough sleep at night. A short while ago while doing laundry, I decided I was going to go for a drive. I got dressed, put another load in, and started for the door when a thought struck me - where am I going? You know what? I had no answer. I stood in the kitchen for literally 15-20 minutes thinking about it, but came up with nothing, so now I'm sitting here bitching about it.
This is another symptom of my depression; not being able to do/plan much of anything (and especially the standing around part). Yesterday, after falling asleep on the couch while reading, I got up, went to the bedroom & slept more. The only social scene I've ever known is the bar. Seriously. Before I could drink, I had no social life. Even after I legally could, I didn't drink, not until my divorce. That's when I started meeting bar-friends. I had one best friend growing up & when we stopped talking, that was it. I'd always tagged along & lived vicariously through him & his friends' group. Obviously, when he was gone, they were too. I'm not comfortable making friends, I don't know how; I'm comfortable in my house, and in my yard working on the car, in my truck, on my cycle, on my own. You people all make me nervous, because I really don't know how to interact with you, each so unique, each so strong, yet fragile. It's like walking through a mine field, trying to be careful not to say/do anything that would trigger an emotion/"explosion". Or maybe that's just how I see it because that's how I feel myself? I'm fragile; I have my walls, and they protect me through detachment, and also through acceptance that nothing that hurts me is ever personal, it's just anothers' way of dealing with their own life, and I can't hold that against anyone because we're all having the same struggle, even if it manifests differently in each of us.
But I digress... I'm only most comfortable alone because of the social scene I have. These people aren't "close-friends" material, and so there will always be distance and discomfort on my end. They're not "my people" - but that's the problem; no one I've met yet truly is. Even some of my closer online friends, whom I greatly appreciate, aren't "my people" if that makes sense? Not my friend I stay with when in Germany, not the ex I still can't manage to get over (CC), not my immediate family, (nor extended), not even the ex who says I'm her "best friend" (GRJ). The closest I've been to feeling like I found one of my own was (as sad/pathetic as this might be) the psychiatrist I saw throughout & after my divorce, and Stepfie, who is gone now.
For me, being alive is feeling out of place, out of "time"; I don't belong here (not that I know where I *would* belong). I'm an outsider, always have been, feels like I always will be.
Actually, I feel like Eeyore, except without his friends - that's what I'm looking for; friends who accept me as I am, depression and all, like this.
Is that too much to ask?
4:29 p.m. - 2017-06-18
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