It's the desire for companionship that always causes me trouble. I've been feeling fairly good recently, and I wanted to socialize last night, but with no one I could call to hang out, I decided I'd go have a beer or two at a couple of the places I used to hang, on the off-chance I might run into someone I know.
I did, and had a pretty good time, but it makes me sad (and more than a bit irritated) that I can't do it without drinking. I went quite a bit past the "one or two" limit I'd set for myself, spent too much money, and felt like shit this morning, all for what? A couple hours of superficial, and ultimately unfulfilling interactions with people I never hear from unless I'm out drinking at the bar. Who needs these people? Well, apparently I do, because they're the only ones I have.
How do people make/maintain true friendships? And how can I, when half the time, my depression makes it difficult to even adult? People don't know how to deal with a person who sometimes hides themselves away for weeks/months on end (out of necessity, not choice) - in my experience, they simply write you off. It's discouraging. During the times I'm not thinking about it, I feel fine; I can do my thing (whatever that is) and life seems ok.I don't mind that part of my life, really. It's when I realize that, after all these years, I'm still alone - the longer that continues, the more likely it seems that it'll stay that way.
I think that's the worst part.
11:00 a.m. - 2017-05-28
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