Been thinking about GRJ & what I wrote yesterday & realized that, although I'm definitely open to meeting someone new, I have certain expectations that seem to directly relate to aspects of past relationships. There are parts of my relationship with Viv, with GRJ, and with CC (those are really the only ones worth mentioning) that are things I want to find again. Unfortunately, what's happened is that I'm now looking to find each of those things in one woman. It was difficult enough to find each of them, and I wonder now if I've created an unattainable ideal; youthful energy, a strong independent streak, high intelligence, creativity and emotional empathy (and of course, their physical attributes, which honestly have little commonality between them). When I write it out, it really doesn't seem that unreasonable, so why can I not seem to find it anywhere? Obviously, I'm either blind to it for some reason, or I'm looking in the wrong places, right?
I will admit that I'm still a bit hung up on CC. I texted her over the holidays to wish her well & see how things are. She apologized to me again this year (as every year) for being so 'shit' about writing back to me. Said her current relationship is imploding (and has been for months) but that recently it's been worse. I feel a bit guilty, but part of me wants it to hurry up & be over, because I'd really like to reconnect with her, just to see if there's still something there. I know on my end there is, but maybe if I can see that she's not in the same place, I can move on. Of course, if she is, that opens up an entirely new set of issues, but I think I'm pretty open to dealing with them as they come up. I'm still waiting to hear back from her - she said she'd write back soon, but based on past experience don't expect it.
Honestly, I wonder if I'd still feel this way if I'd already found someone worthwhile? Is it the lack of companionship that makes me wonder, or is it more about the circumstances under which our relationship ended? It was a bad time for me to meet someone, really - still dealing with the loss of my son & my marriage, my little girl cat, then having just lost my job and my boy cat within the same month or so, it's a wonder I could even talk to anyone. I think that's what bothers me most about that situation; I think if I'd been in the same spot emotionally/financially as I am right now, we'd still be together. I guess maybe it's that old cliché, that I need closure. Then again, maybe we met at that time because we weren't right for each other & it saved me from a lot of heartache? Who fucking knows, all this conjecture is pointless.
12:07 p.m. - 2017-01-24
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