I was thinking about how infrequently I write anything of substance in here anymore, and that got me thinking about my poetry account - I didn't realize it, but I haven't written a new poem in over 5 years. I have no inspiration from which to draw; no horrible sadness, no overwhelming joy, no deep melancholy, just... nothing. I used to write quite often, and I actually liked some of it, but now? I don't know. I want to write, but every time I start, it just sounds ridiculous to me. I guess that's probably because I don't really care about anything anymore. It's like, I'm not great, but I'm fine, so whatever, who cares? I don't have a need to get anything out, either good or bad.
I also used to draw a bit. No training, no classes (so it always took me a long time) but I was pretty good at that too. I don't draw anymore either. Again, I want to, but I can't bring myself to sit down & do it, because, as I said before, I just don't care. I also used to build things, usually with wood, sometimes metal. Same story. The only "creative" thing I do anymore is play guitar, but I'm even bored with that.
There are only three things I do anymore that interest me, and they all have to do with escapism; watching re-runs of some of my fave tv series, re-reading some of the fantasy books I own, or riding my cycle. The first two are just worthless time-killers, and the last is difficult to do for any length of time when it's below freezing out, and even it is a waste of time, honestly.
I want to explore the world, to do new, interesting things, create new, interesting things, but I really don't see a point in doing so without having someone with whom to share the experience. My desire to provide happiness & support apparently only extends to others, not to myself. Basically, what would make me happy would be to make someone else happy, to see it in their face, in their smile, in their interaction with me. Only then can I see accepting the same in return. It's a strange feeling, and one that, in re-reading this, I can tell I'm not explaining very well. I never can explain myself very well, when it comes to how I feel and what I think.
Oh, I guess I should probably mention that I had to have the brakes fixed on my truck, to the tune of $1100. Yay, adulting.
6:24 p.m. - 2017-01-14
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart