Drastic? Maybe, but I spent the entire day yesterday processing this issue, and made a decision.Off the top of my head, I couldn't think of anyone from the muic-scene crowd that actually adds anything to my life. I've been trying to reach out to them for years now, and I've not made any progress towards having anything close to true friendship. No one's really to blame (if anyone is, it would be me) but to be blunt, if I never saw any of them again, I wouldn't miss them (much).
So that's what I've decided to do. I deactivated the facespace account I'd been keeping to keep track of shows/events/etc. I never really posted on it anymore anyway, since a major depressive bout a few years ago, during which I manually went back and deleted/hid everything I possibly could, dating all the way back to the account's creation. Anyway, out of the 120 people on that list (all of whom I've met personally), there are maybe 10 who have my contact info, and probably only 5 or so who have ever used it.Those people who might need to conact me can, and those who haven't, I guess don't really need to, right?
I'm taking this as an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, to start over. No more live shows, no more venues, and no going back to those bars. I've wasted too many years on them, with nothing to show for it but emptiness, and feeling like an outsider. I don't need it. At this point, I'd rather just stay home by myself than go through this struggle again. Maybe I'll eventually find something social to do that I actually enjoy; something that isn't about forcing myself to be social in order to meet people on the off-chance I'll find a friend. I'm not that guy. I'm meant to have one or maybe two good friends, and a relationship, if anything.
The one thing I have to be careful of is not letting this go too far. I already have a problem with detachment, with closing off to people as a safety mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt. This decision feels right, but it's also dangerous, because I'm afraid it might become my go-to method of dealing with things... Now that I think about it though, it might already be, and maybe, it's too late.
As an introvert, I really value my time alone, but I don't want to grow old & die that way.
9:03 a.m. - 2016-11-27
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart