What is 'friendship'? Obviously there are many different levels of it, but it seems to me that one of the defining things of friendship is that, at its base-level, it's a two-way street, right?
I've been upset all morning because I've lost a 'friendship' today with Meg_D. Misunderstandings last night (the details of which are unimportant) created a conflict, and now it's done.
The more I think about it though, the more I wonder if it was ever really a friendship. In fact, I have to wonder if any of the people in this town are my friends - sure, we're friendly, we get along, we're glad to see each other when we do, but is that all friendship is? I can count on one hand (and I don't even need all the fingers) the number of people who ever make the effort to contact me (not including family). Is it friendship if the only way I talk to/hear from them is if I contact them? And is it friendship if, when I don't put in the effort to contact them, I never hear from them?If I decided right now that I would wait for them to get in touch with me, and not be the one to initiate contact, I can honestly say I'd never hear from them again.
I had a best friend growing up; we met when we were about 5, and were best friends all the way through high school. I started to notice this pattern with him first. As it became more pronounced, I made that decision; I wasn't going to call him again until he called me first. I waited 6 months, and eventually had to call him myself. Of course, by that time, the friendship was over, it was obvious in his voice. That's what made me question whether I ever knew what friendship was, and I still wonder to this day. If someone I thought was my best friend in the world could just not give a shit that he never heard from me & not even call to see what was up, well then, friendship was a lie; there's no such thing, right?
So now, I think of all the music people I know in town, all of the ones who always seem so happy to see me when I show up somewhere, and I apply this thought process, and then I realize that 90% of them have never contacted me 1st, since I've known them, and the few that have, haven't done so in years. What this tells me is that I have no idea how to be a friend. There's obviously something I'm doing/not doing that's turning people off, so to speak, and I'm somehow sabotaging any chance of friendship I might have had.
I know a big part of it is my depression and/or my 'nothing really matters' attitude. People don't want to be around someone who never feels joy, who never seems happy. Even when I'm smiling/laughing, I don't feel happy, and on the rare occasion I do feel something positive, it immediately makes me sad, because I realize the majority of my life has been spent without knowing those feelings. I was diagnosed as having been clinically depressed since I was about 8-10 yrs old. The only time it's ever been recessive was when I thought I was in love. I've never been in a healthy, loving relationship - sure, they seemed right at the time, but looking back, each love I had was either an emotional abuser, a liar/manipulator, (which I guess could be one in the same?) or an addict. I had one chance at a healthy relationship, but I blew it by not being able to cope with my depression.
I guess this is the world I created for myself. I've been through therapy before (5+ years of it), I've tried self-help books, but there's no changing me. I will always have depression to deal with. I'll never really understand friendships, or relationships. Try as I might to be attentive/respectful of others feelings, I feel I'll always be somewhere on the autism spectrum. I feel like I'll never have any self-esteem, or self-worth, because I live in my head day in, day out, for years on end, with no one to give me perspective, no one to teach me how to be any other way. I feel like a little fucking kid who doesn't understand the adult world, and can't see how he ever will. I feel trapped and alone, locked inside this body, a body that doesn't even feel like mine sometimes.
I'm sure I'll be fine (relatively speaking) tomorrow, but today, this is how I feel. And it's disheartening.
1:06 p.m. - 2016-11-26
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