I have a sinking feeling that today is going to be a rough one. Work, personal life, everything. I seriously feel like I want to leave work, go home & just hide. Nothing's even happened today & I feel overwhelmed.
I think it's been building for a while, because I've pretty much had to force myself to eat in the last week or so, because I'm just not hungry & nothing sounds good. I just have to eat what I always do, out of habit, because I wouldn't be able to keep up with my workouts otherwise. I'm beginning to wonder why I'm even doing those, too, because it's getting so difficult, I'm not seeing the kind of progress I want (feels like I'm not making any, or worse, regressing). I know it's due to my shitty sleep patterns & diet, but it seems like too much energy to put effort into fixing them.
And god-damnit, I'm lonely. I'm tired of not having someone. And my reaction to that is probably the worst you can have - wanting to withdraw from life. If I don't talk to people, see people, socialize, then every day feels like the previous, and I don't notice that years have passed me by. Work is always the same, and life sitting at home alone is always the same. In its own way, it's almost comforting, as long as I can avoid things that remind me that time is passing.
I need to win the lottery so I can buy a place that's totally isolated. Then I can hang out in the middle of nowhere & forget just how long I've been alone.
12:31 p.m. - 2015-03-30
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