Was thinking today... I still feel like a kid. Not in a partier/night-life chasing, lust for life type way (as I'm sure you know), but in a "wtf am I doing? Everything seems so awkward" way. Obviously this applies to dating, but I'm not even talking about that. My ma texted me, wanting to know if I'm coming to my g'mas for T-day this year. It's going to be her, my g'ma, and two of my ma's friends (who are nice enough, but... I don't know), I'm just not that crazy about them.
Anyway, I don't want to go. I feel like I'm 18 and trying to come up with a way to avoid it, without hurting their feelings. What's kind of funny is that, aside from my job, it feels like the rest of my life is in the same condition. I feel like a stupid kid who has no idea what the hell life is about, and has no one from whom to get advice. I still feel the way I did when I first moved out on my own. I work, I make money, I sit alone at home, I have no friends, I have no real hobbies, I have no ambitions in life, no goals, and no mentors... The only thing that's different between me then & me now is the job/pay, and some of the things I have now are nicer (ok, just my truck, cycle, and tv). I live in a cute, but shitty little house full of mold, I eat shitty food that is mostly frozen or microwaveable (if I don't just eat out all the time), same as when I was in my late teens/early 20's. Aside from my living room set (which I got at a bargain-basement-type store anyway) and my mattress, all the rest of the stuff I have is salvaged, gifted, or garage-sale finds.
For the most part, I'm ok with it. I don't need to flash money around, I don't have expensive tastes, and I like retro-style items, like my kitchen table/chairs, my old Kenw00d stereo/record-player setup, etc, but when I look around, I realize I live like a college student who went to a got a loan for his couch set & is driving his parents' SUV. And I don't mean "gosh, what do the neighbors think?", I mean more of that's how it feels to me. And again, in dealing with my family, nothing has changed since then either - still feel like I'm not out from under them, if that makes sense!? I really can't stand my life. Well, ok, I can't stand my life the way it is - but when I think of what could make it better, there's really nothing except the obvious, which I won't even bother to write. If my ma had her way, we'd have lunch/dinner 2-3 times a week or more, or at a minimum, brunch every Sunday. I can't take it, but I also can't take the guilt of doing anything about it, because I know if I say something, it'll just hurt her feelings. Well, more than my not talking to them for the last few months since my issues started acting up. And I guess that's why I dread seeing them again. It's just going to be all of this disgusting pity-party "are you ok, dear" bullshit, and I don't want to deal with it, or them. Drawing attention to my depression isn't going to help it. Trying to figure it out, or worse yet, offering suggestions to fix it, is not going to make me feel better, it's just going to piss me off.
Gods, this seems like some kind of "stream-of-consciousness" entry - feel like I went all over the place. Think I'm going to post it anyway, because I feel like I needed to get it out there. I had a lot more to write as well, but I'm not ready to quite yet. This will have to suffice.
(p.s. day two of vacation, and all I've managed to get done so far was changing up my schedule & running each morning. It's a start, I guess, but I'm feeling more & more isolated. Work is my only social outlet, unless I go out for food or drinks, and I'm trying to be good & not do that, at least, not much. :-(
10:05 p.m. - 2014-11-18
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