KW & I are supposed to get together tomorrow for a visit, but I don't know if that's going to happen now, nor even if it's a good idea. I got a text from her last night around 12:30a, it just said "hey". I'd gone out earlier that evening, 9p or so) to see a friend play an acoustic show @ Lou's, and I was really beat, for some reason, so when I got the text, I was already in bed. I saw that it was just a hello, so I ignored it, thinking I could reply in the morning, and must have fallen asleep pretty soon after that.
When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a new message - two, it turns out. First one said that she really needed me to be awake, the second one said that she "wanted to go back to the hospital tonight". I was hesitant to write back right away, as 1) I didn't know what to say, because 2) I was still in a wake-up fog. I had a couple cups of coffee, checked email, etc, and when I was a bit more with-it, I texted back, saying sorry for missing her, explained that I was in bed with a cold (which is true, been congested for weeks on & off) and asked if she was ok. The text I got back was really sad... just "I'm in the ER". All I could think to reply was, "I'm sorry", and I haven't heard back from her since.
I don't know what to do. I know I don't have the energy to help her through her issues, especially when having an influence like that in my life will likely make my depression even worse, right when I'm starting to come out of it. On the other hand, what could happen if I tell her I can't be friends with her until she get her life together? Is that going to push her into being sure she does it right the next time? Will I be the one person who could have helped her, but pushed her away and into actually succeeding at taking her own life?
It comes down to risking my own mental, and possibly physical health, or dealing with the guilt of pushing away someone who needs a friend, and possibly the guilt of knowing I contributed to her death. I mean, I'm not constitutionally set up to be a rescue mission for troubled people, but I carry enough guilt about my father's and my son's death, I don't need any more...
On a side note, I had a guy message me on facespace (yes, I did log back in a few times recently), asking me if I wanted to play bass for a record he was making. I wrote him back that I'd like to, but 1) I haven't played in a year or more, and two, I'm not an improv player, unless it's a simple progression, but that I could play more complex stuff if he wanted to tell me what to play. I left i up to him, told him my feeling won't be hurt if he wasn't interested anymore, and left it with saying it was good to hear from him. I'll have to check back soon, see if he replies. To be honest, I don't really give a shit about playing, but I know that I have to start doing things again that keep me from isolating and withdrawing. I really dislike the conflict between my emotions and my logical mind. Of course, I like it even less when both my emotions and my logic agree in the negative...
3:25 p.m. - 2014-11-15
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