Not sure, but I think I'm starting to feel a bit better. Six more work days until I'm off for two weeks (vacation), but I'm conflicted about it. Part of me will be glad to have some time away from work, but another part of me is concerned about being alone for that long. I'm going to try to get some things done around the house, like insulating the windows, covering open outlets, caulking/painting/installing trim in the kitchen, etc. I'm also going to start throwing things out that I haven't used in a while. I want to throw out as much as I possibly can, so that when I move in the spring, I won't have so much to pack.
Don't remember if I mentioned it, but I rearranged my bedroom a few weeks ago. I really like it - I sleep better, and I feel better/more positive when I wake up. I think it might be helping a bit, to get rid of this sadness that's been engulfing me. I was going to include hopelessness with sadness in the last sentence, but to be honest, the hopelessness isn't going to go anywhere. I think it's a fundamental belief at this point. It's not that I think I'll never meet anyone worthwhile, it's that I know I'll never be at a point where I'm healthy enough mentally for it to matter. As I think I've said before though, that's the great thing about accepting hopelessness; once you do, it doesn't really matter any more. Then it just becomes finding a way to kill time until you're done. Fortunately (inexplicably?) I'm not ready to be done yet. I've no idea why, given my acceptance of the likelihood of my being alone forever, but it's true.
Haven't managed to get my back completely fixed yet, and combined with my depression, I haven't had any workouts in maybe a month or more? Now that I'm starting to feel a bit better, I'm thinking I might try to start again this weekend/next week. I'm also thinking of trying to change my schedule so I can start walking/running again. Why not, I've got nothing better to do, right? Hmmph.
If my mood progresses as it has been, I might also start trying to talk with KW again. We had a little interaction on Halloween, while I was out. She was out to, and she's started drinking again. I was really sad to hear that, but it's not my life. Long story short, she called after I sent her a text saying I hoped she was having fun that night. All I remember is her saying she misses me, and her starting to cry. I assume there's a lot of things going on with her. Point is, I think I'll try this "being friends" thing one more time. I do really like her, after all. If she tries to get with me again though, it'll have to be over. Also, if I feel like there's just too much drama, I'll have to remove myself from that situation completely. I can't afford to open myself to more negativity, based on how I've handled (or not) things with us so far. I'm very easily influenced by others' emotional states, so I need to be sure I'm around/involved with people who are generally more positive.
So, aside from working on the house, any suggestions for things I could/should do with my two weeks off? Due to our work holiday schedule and remaining vacation time, I'm going to have the last three weeks of the year off as well, and I'm definitely going to need some ideas. I don't want to spend the entire time sitting on the couch watching tv/movies, or reading. There's only so much of that one can do...
1:06 p.m. - 2014-11-05
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