I got a text from KW the other night, saying that she misses me. I didn't reply right away, because I wasn't sure I really wanted to talk with her. She called shortly after that but I didn't answer, as I was in the middle of a show at the time. She sent me another text right after that, saying she just wanted to say hi & stuff, and that she'd talk to me later. Maybe 30-45 minutes later, she sent another text, that just said, "sober, btw". Up until that last text, I was seriously considering just not replying, but when she said that, I decided to text her back (because if it's true, I'm pretty proud of her), saying that I was happy to hear it. I also told her sorry I hadn't replied, but that I really wasn't up to talking with anybody right now (which, at the time, was true. I was having an irrationally shitty day, for some reason). She texted back & said she hoped I was alright, and that I should text her when I was up for talking. I haven't replied yet, might not for a week or two, I don't know. (Btw, that night I signed in to my y4h00 IM & found that she'd left me a message on there too, saying she missed me.)
I've been feeling both better and worse since we stopped talking. Better, as it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders; worse, because I'm back to solitary/no friends/nothing to do mode. A few weeks after I started seeing KW, I stopped talking to my family, and I stopped going to facespace (mostly due to the stress once things started to go south). I've been back on the site only a few times since (not really participating, just to see if anyone's written me), and I'm still not talking with my family (ma & grandma, really, as they're the only two I ever hear from). It's been really nice not talking to my ma - no guilt trips about helping her out, or calling, etc., no judgments about my life, no pity about me still being single. It's been nice not talking to my grandma too - no guilt trips about not talking to my ma, how much she misses & loves me, etc, no pity about how I'm still single, etc., not to mention that they're still both gossipy hens, and I can't stand the judgmental way they talk about people. Anyway, I know that's probably going to have to change soon, and I'll have to start talking with them again, I just don't have the mental energy to do it yet.
I've no idea why I even wrote about them, that's not been weighing on my mind in the least, really. The biggest issue I think I have now, is realizing that even though I say I try to be tactfully honest & respectful of people, KW pointed out several times where I was oblivious to the fact that I'd been unintentionally rude in my interactions with others. Once she pointed it out to me, I began to see it a lot more often, and I realized, I'm not the nice guy I'd like to think I am. Well, not all the time, anyway. Regardless of what's in my heart, the way I come across to people is harsh, unfriendly, and asshole-ish, for lack of a better term. I'm honest, and sometimes blunt, but I didn't realize just how poorly that can come across. It's really no wonder I'm alone/friendless IRL. I make friends online, I think, because 1) I have time to work out how I want to say things; I can correct them/phrase them properly before I communicate them to others. 2) I have the time/space to explain my thoughts entirely, rather than having someone just hear the first thing that comes out of my head, misinterpret it, and write me off as a jerk.
I have a perception of myself that I'd like to believe is the real me, but now I know that it isn't (at least, not entirely). That's a tough thing to deal with, realizing you don't know yourself, especially after all these years of introspection and living inside my own head. What's worse, is realizing that if I've been this introspective for this long, and *still* don't know me, how the fuck will I ever? I mean, I am true to myself in that I always act according to my beliefs, and always with positive intent, but as a famous movie quote says, "...it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you. ", and what I do, it seems, is to unintentionally act like an asshole to people. That's who I am, to them. That not only makes me sad, but embarrassed, and it makes it hard to want to face anyone again, or at least, to interact with them, or open up in any way.
Feels like I should just keep my mouth shut - as another famous quote goes, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
1:08 p.m. - 2014-10-19
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