(This is a little long-winded - you can get the gist of this entry by reading the 1st paragraph, and the last half of the last one, if you'd rather skip the details.)
I think this "saga" might be over (I can hope, anyway). KW & I have texted several times since she got out of the hospital. Things always started out innocuous enough, but every single time, she would find a way to work in some statement about how she missed me, or wanted me, or she'd remind me of things we used to say/do sexually, etc, and it would always end up with her trying to convince me to date her again, or at least sleep with her one last time. I can really see the manipulation, the flattery, the sexual come-ons she was using to try to control me, and for quite a while it worked, because I was unsure what/how I felt and was trying to remain open to possibilities. Once I'd made up my mind that I couldn't be with her (and really, any time I make that decision about anyone), there's no changing it. I think she saw that, and kept trying to force the issue, using her fragile state as an excuse for her bad behavior, and as a reason to try to guilt me into seeing her again. I did relent this past Thursday, and we hung out for a couple hours.
I picked her up & we drove back to my town. The entire drive, she kept taking small steps to get close to me; asking if she could hold my hand, caressing the back of my neck, kissing my hand, etc. I let that go, thinking that just maybe, it was a "security" issue & would make her feel a bit better, but having that pit-of-the-stomach feeling that this wasn't the case. We stopped to pick up a pizza, then sat in the truck, ate & talked. She kept trying to talk me into dating/sleeping with her again, and proceeded to try to argue with me about inconsistencies in things I'd told her before, trying to "logic" her way into it. I don't recall everything we said, but I didn't deny any of it, just told her that that's how I'd felt at the time, but now I felt differently. We had another long awkward ride back without saying anything to each other, and when I dropped her off, we shared a couple kisses, which I assumed were a goodbye of sorts - that was the vibe, anyway.
We texted all through the next day, and she was telling me about how she wanted to drink, she couldn't think of anything positive in her life, etc. I tried to offer suggestions, things to look forward to, things she could do as distractions, but they didn't help. Later that night, she sent me a message on IM that she felt I'd led her on, lied to her, and things like that. Said I broke her heart, and something about (paraphrasing, because I can't remember her exact words) how I'd said she "wasn't good enough for me"!? That pissed me off, and I told her so, and told her not to try to put words in my mouth. I told her that I never lied to her, I was very honest about my hesitancy/confusion regarding us. The only thing I'd ever said about the two of us was that there were some incompatibilities with our long-term life goals, which is entirely true. A couple more short texts & we stopped talking that night.
Ok, I'm tired of re-hashing that one. Saturday night she was pretty bad with the come-ons. Lots of talk about being in a bad place, being depressed, subtly threatening to go to the bar, things like that. Lots of talk about wanting me, wanting to sleep with me, really laying it on heavy. I tried to brush it off/avoid/downplay it all, but she was being very persistent. She apologized for the previous night, saying that she just needed a friend, and that she knows she gets emotional & says stupid things because she's not healthy right now (which I was glad to hear her admit to) The very next text, she asks to spend one more night with me, "please" she says... I ignored that one all day, because, what the hell could I say?
She texted me later that night asking what I was up to. Told her about a show I was at (I decided to drink that night because I'd hurt my back working on the house. Motrin & aspirin weren't helping, and I thought a few drinks would loosen me up, which it did). Anyway, she apologized for bothering me, and asked me to text her when I got home. I told her I might not be able to (didn't say it was because I didn't want to talk to her after drinking). She told me to be safe, then started in on the depression talk, and then the sex talk about wanting one more night with me. I ignored that as well. (She's not on birth control, and I really started to get the feeling that she might try to get pregnant by me or something crazy! Maybe I'm paranoid, but that thought scared the hell out of me! No way I'm gonna let that happen!)
The next day was Sunday, which we had originally planned as a day to hang out, before changing it to Thursday. She texted & asked if I was still free & if I wanted to grab some dinner with her. I replied that, until her feelings for me changed, I thought we should just stick to texts/IMs and not see each other. Her response was "Fuck that", and then told me she almost started crying at work when she read that. That's when I pretty much put my foot down. I called her out on how every time we text or hang out, she tries to convince me to date or sleep with her, and that I'd been very clear about my position on that already. I told her I did want to be friends, but that I didn't want to keep having this conversation all the time. Her response was "Yeah, me neither, it's whatever", and that's the last I've heard from her. That was yesterday afternoon, maybe 2:30p, and I didn't hear from her at all last night. Usually she texts me late at night (typically when she's been drinking), so if I get through tonight too, I think this might be done, finally. I can only hope.
12:49 p.m. - 2014-10-13
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