Well, I seem to have gotten a hold on my emotions for the most part, so I guess I can write about this again now.
She's having a really hard time with this. Obviously I was too, but once I made my decision that it couldn't be long-term, I just had to come to grips with it, which I have (ok, for the most part). I'm looking at things with a slight detachment now, and I guess that's why I feel so bad for her. She texted me the night after telling me we couldn't be friends anymore, asking if I was sure I wouldn't just try to see if we'd work (paraphrasing), and then immediately sending "nevermind" before I had a chance to reply. My only reply to that was ":-(", to which she replied that she was going to have to delete my number, and that if I changed my mind, I knew how to contact her. At that point, I didn't bother replying, because if she'd deleted my # & texts, I didn't want to be disrespectful of her wishes by giving her a way to contact me again. I figured that I'd give her some time, and maybe I'd contact her again in a few months, to see if she might be open to a friendship again at that point.
I'd pretty much written off hearing from her again, but last night, I received another text, I'm guessing after she'd been drinking. (I don't know if maybe the deletion comment was her attempt to get a response out of me, or if she actually deleted me & found a way to recover it?) It said, basically, that she wanted to pretend she could handle it, to learn how to swallow her feeling. I didn't understand, and replied so this morning when I got to work, and she said, "what do you want it to mean?". I said that I want to be friends, but that I don't want it to hurt her. She hasn't replied yet.
I really feel bad about all this. I mean, she's really hung up on me. When we first started dating, she's the one who told me we couldn't work out because of the kids isue. The last night we hung out (when things got so awkward), she even offered to get her tubes tied if it meant we could be together. I don't know that I've ever felt so strongly about someone that I could give up something I wanted so badly. Of course, I've never wanted *anything* that much in my life, aside from just having someone, so I guess I can't relate. This, of course, makes me feel worse, because there's no way I could live with myself if she did that. I couldn't handle the guilt of knowing what she'd give up for me, especially since kids were so important to her, and they weren't the sole reason I had for us not being together. I know that eventually, I'd have to move on, and how much more would it hurt months/years down the road, for each of us?
I really do miss her, but I'm also feeling a slight bit of relief. She's so intense, and so emotional, this whole thing was a huge roller-coaster of emotions for me, and I don't do well with that at all. I feel like a relationship should be easy-going most of the time, relaxed, comfortable. Obviously, there will always be dramatic things that happen, and I know that; that's part of any healthy relationship, but it shouldn't be an everyday thing. I also don't want someone who drinks constantly to avoid emotions, because I tend towards that myself when things get intense, and I think it would be a bad situation if we were both like that. Combine that with the various psychiatric medications she's on, and it's just bad news for me.
The two really good things about what we had though, and two of the biggest things I'm looking for, are the physical connection (can always tell from the first kiss - and we were very compatible physically), and our complete honesty. I mean, we told each other anything we were ready to discuss. (There were a couple of things we hadn't gotten to yet, but...) If either of us asked a question, or were hesitant about saying something, the other would encourage them to just say it, to be truthful, and that was really refreshing. I really want to find that with someone.
You know what my problem is? I want it all. I'm flexible on a lot of things, but I want what I want. I just want it to be right, I don't want to struggle or fight for it. And I know "she" is out there (whoever she is), I'm just such an introvert, I don't hold out much hope of ever meeting/dating her.
P.S. Got a text back & we're somewhat talking now that way. to be continued... ?
12:36 p.m. - 2014-09-30
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