I haven't been out to a venue for a show in maybe a month now? Haven't been to any of the regular pubs for meals either. Just been feeling a need to do things/go places where people don't already know me. This means I've spent the majority of my time cooped up in my house, because I'm pretty well-known everywhere in town. I thought I'd found a good place to go for lunch on the weekends (next town over), but last time I was there, I found that one of the old managers from the Pub I used to go to is working there. I'm not sure why it's so important for me to not be recognized/known right now, but that's how I'm feeling. The only thing I've done that this doesn't apply to is Thursday Bike Night @ the Dog. I've done that for the last two weeks, but aside from the manager and one waitress, I didn't even run into anyone to talk to, which I think is good in a way, and yet, I don't think I'll be going back to that either. I didn't even stay for more than 30 minutes, and at that point, why bother?
Part of me misses talking to people, but another part of me doesn't, because I'm not really in the mood for drunken revelry, or alcohol-induced warmth towards me. I don't, and haven't, felt close to any of those people, and I'm sure if I never see them again, neither they nor I will miss the other much. Then again, maybe that's just me, one of my faults? Maybe I feel so isolated/alone because I'm unable to be close with anyone? Hrmm... I don't think "maybe" belongs in that sentence. Ugh. Anyway...
Hung out with KW (younger girl I've sort of been seeing - don't think I've given her a name yet?) on Tuesday night, because it seems to be the only night she has available for me. This is a bad thing, because inevitably, we end up hanging out way too late, and I pay for it the next day. We had a few drinks, stayed out too late & I got home around 2:30a (getting up for work the next day was a bitch). We seem to have settled down on the physical end of things, at least as relates to acting on any of those feelings, pretty much because we're only seeing each other in public places. We're still doing a lot of flirting, etc, but I might have to put an end to that. The last thing I need is a constant reminder that someone finds me really attractive/wants to be with me, but can't/won't because of circumstances. I keep finding myself wanting her with me, to cruise around in the car/on the cycle, or sit around listening to records, or even just to lie in bed in each other' arms, etc. - things that I want from a relationship, and since we've decided we can't have that, it makes me sad having that constant reminder. And yet, I can't bring myself to just not see her anymore, because frankly, aside from the fact that I really do like her, this is a nice respite from the constant oppressive isolation I usually feel, and I'm not ready to give that up yet. And regardless of her issues, she's really cool too - and she flatters me with compliments constantly, which is something I've never really experienced. Overall, she's a big boost to my confidence/ego, and that can't be all bad.
As an aside, something else kind of weird is going on with me - for the last week or two, I've not been able to watch a movie, any movie. I start one, get through anywhere between the first 15 minutes to the first half of it, and find myself saying "I don't really care about this" and shutting it off. I'm not interested in any of the old tv shows I used to watch either, and haven't even been able to watch those. Either I'll end up on my couch reading a book, or I'll find myself just standing/sitting in various rooms, lost in a lack of thought, staring at the floor, out the window, etc, for minutes at a time. I sat on my couch for an hour the other night, no radio, no records playing, just staring at the ceiling. I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I knew how to live, rather than just exist.
12:33 p.m. - 2014-09-18
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