The past few weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions for me. I got so bad (bi-polar, anyone?) that I decided I needed to stay away from everything for a bit. (I'd even made plans for the long holiday weekend, either taking the cycle to M1nneap0lis to see my old biker friend, or riding to W1nds0r to visit the canadian contingent from the discussion board. Neither of them got back to me about it, and in fact, I still haven't heard from my biker friend. I've deleted his name from my phone now, I don't need people like that in my life, he's done that to me too many times. Anyway, I spent the whole weekend alone in my fucking house.) Stopped posting here, obviously (aside form one drunken, uber-depressed night, afer which I went on a deletion spree), and stopped checking my two facespace accounts. I even decided that I'm not going back to any of my regular haunts for a while either; no venues, no bars/restaurants (other than workday lunches). It's been hell. I cancelled my cable a while back so i can't sit & watch tv. I've seen all of the movies I own so many times I'd like to burn them. So, in the past few weeks, I've read maybe 10-12 books while sitting on the couch every night listening to records. Well, aside from the few nights I've seen "her".
Not sure what to say about her at this point. We've already decided that we can never be seriously involved, as our life goals are woefully incompatible (we figured that out by our second date actually), and yet, we have this strange, raw attraction to each other, both sexual and non. It's like we're drawn to each other, and I don't know why. There are times when I could swear I've known her before, although there's no way I could have. Maybe it's as simple as the idea that we both are at a point where we each need a friend, I don't know. She keeps trying to insist that we need to be platonic friends, as she's started seeing someone else (and she's very adamant about wanting to stay friends) and yet the last couple times we've gotten together, we've ended up naked in bed. At this point, I've managed to calm myself enough to understand where I am, and what my role is in all this, so I'm cool with either platonic or sexual, but I have to admit, it's been really nice to have that kind of intimacy in my life again. That's one of the reasons I was having such a difficult time - I really want that & miss it, and it was hard for a while to accept that this wasn't going to be long-term, and that I should just enjoy it while it lasts. That's not really my style, and it's been a difficult transition for me.
I also started drinking again, for a couplefew weeks, and I got pretty bad. Fortunately, i did all my drinking at home, yet it was also unfortunate, because that meant I went way beyond any of my normal boundaries. Last week, over the course of three days, I drank a gallon of rum, half of it the first night, and half of that again the next two. That's when I decided to quit again, and it may be for good this time, I'm not sure. It's really a waste of time, of my physical health, of my money, and my mental health as well. It's the mental health aspect that has me concerned though, about quitting permanently. I can be feeling perfectly fine, and out of the blue, will be hit with a melancholy that I can't cope with. This is when I usually drink - it helps to quiet my mind, to let me get through the rough patches. If I quit, what am I going to do when it strikes again? I don't have any friends to lean on, no one I can call for support,(here in town, that is) and to be honest, my sadness scares me sometimes, and I can't face it again. I've tried a lot of methods of facing/resolving my depression issues in the past, with the psychiatrist I started seeing after my divorce, but the methods that seem to work for other people don't really work with me, apparently. The feelings never lessen; the only success I've had has been to bury them enough so that I can function, which work great until I have to get in touch with my emotions again, then all hell breaks loose.
Anyway, I'm supposed to see her again tonight, and she made a point of telling me it was going to be a platonic visit. That's fine by me, but I have to wonder if she's trying to convince me, or herself?
12:56 p.m. - 2014-09-09
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