Probably shouldn't have, but I sent a text to SSG yesterday, inviting her out again for the band that was having a show last time I asked her. No response yet. My guess is that I'll be deleting her contact info soon.
As I was driving home on lunch yesterday I had a thought; why couldn't I have met CC now, instead of at a point where I'd lost my job, my house was going back to the bank, and my cat that I'd had for 15(?) years had just died? Had we met now, I think things would have been a lot different. Of course, maybe that's the universes way of telling me we wouldn't have been good for each other? I don't know.
I was also thinking, last night, that it's been so long since I've been in any kind of real relationship that I'm fairly confident I'll have no idea how to act if the opportunity arises for another one. I look back on my behavior, and even my conversations; the way I express myself is confusing to anyone who doesn't know/understand me, and I feel like it's going to be a big hinderance to ever getting to know someone on a deeper level. I always mean well, I'm never intentionally rude or mean, but sometimes, after I say something, I realize that it sounds a lot meaner than I intended, or that it could be taken in a different way than I meant. When I look at my interactions from an external locus, I can see how I might really come across like an asshole to people who don't know me well.
Considering my preferences in what I find attractive in a woman limiting my choices, the lack of those kinds of women in this town, and the way I can seem like a jerk at first, I can see that it's highly unlikely that I'll ever find myself in a relationship again. I had a little one-second panic attack this morning, when I realized that the isolation I'm currently experiencing (and have been for the last several years) will likely remain unchanged, even by the time I'm 90. The image that entered my mind then, of me being 90 yrs old, sitting right where I was, doing just what I was doing, caused a flash of utter hopelessness to run through me. Just the thought of spending the next several decades living this same life, makes me not want to be here anymore. The only thing in the world I really want is a loving, nurturing, fulfilling mutually supportive relationship, and with that removed from the equation, there really seems no point to life for me. Although, the thought of finding someone decades from now is almost just as discouraging. Time is slipping away from me, and I don't know if I wish it would stop, or just get it over with and go much, much faster. if the next 50-60 years of my life are to be like this, I'd rather just fast-forward to then and skip over all of this. At least then I could die with the knowledge that no, there never *was* anyone going to come along. It's the not-knowing that's bugging me the most, I think.
Gods, think about that... 50-60 years of *alone*. Can you even imagine? I almost feel like crying just thinking about it.
5:35 p.m. - 2014-08-08
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