Yesterday I started noticing the return of some of the old feelings - the negativity, a little hopelessness, lethargy, internal exhaustion, etc. Both Wednesday & Thursday, I ran into a gal from work that I really get along with, while out (Wed. open mic night, Thurs. Bike night). She was with a supplier from work, who was here for a workshop we're holding. I had written a lot about this guy, but just deleted two paragraphs so I could sum up: arrogant/cocky musician w/superiority complex, unable to discuss anything without making it about him/his music/his exploits/how much he can still party/etc. Left-handedly insulted my bike (thinking I didn't catch on), called me out for wearing the same shirt two nights in a row, just generally being a smarmy jerk. At least I enjoyed talking with the work gal - truthfully, she's the only reason I hung out with them. If I'd run into that guy on his/my own, I would have excused myself after 5 minutes. I think having to deal with that guy really drained my energy levels, and that's why I'm starting to feel a bit worse. Fortunately, he's going home today & hopefully, I'll never run into him again. I do think, though, that I might have a chance to hang out with the gal from work this weekend. We sort of made tentative plans to connect at some point, but it's all up in the air. Guess we'll see.
For the last couple weeks, I've been going to this local big-chain restaurant for a steak dinner after my workouts. There's this bartender there with whom I've been talking (yes, me, *talking*!). She's really attractive, and friendly, and I've felt pretty good about myself for not getting so nervous I can't think. The last time I was in, she gave me a card for free chips & salsa, and circled her scheduled workdays on it (no reason for it, just gave it to me out of the blue!?) We seem to hit it off pretty well, but as always, I can never tell if the friendliness is anything more than "the job", so I've not put much stock in it beyond practicing my socializing/flirting skills. It's fun, and who knows? Maybe a date will come from it?
Have run into a girl I used to see at a bar that closed down a while back, a few times in the last few weeks. Always get a big smile & a big hug. We've made loose plans to get together, but nothing's come from it. At least I'm still trying.
Been hanging out with the Open Mic guitar guy (Call him MB, I guess?) a bit too. It's odd for me to hang out with a guy, as I haven't had any guy friends since... well, since I was about 18-19? It's hard for me to have guy friends, because most guys are dumb. Sports, drinking, crassness, macho ego trips, mysogeny, etc. I just can't identify with/understand/relate to most guys. This leads to me being uncomfortable having guiy friends - I don't know what guys talk about/do, so it's all somewhat awkward for me. I'm pretty sure this all stems from not forming any kind of real bond with my dad, and after the divorce, with my mother/grandmother pretty much raising me. In group settings, I would always hang out with the "womenfolk", as the guys would always be talking about some stupid football game or something equally banal. Still, it makes having guy friends difficult. As before though, at least I'm trying.
The worst thing about the last month or two is that I seem to have fallen back into my former drinking habits. Not quite as drastic, but I'm going out 3-5 times/week, and having 3-6 drinks each night I do. It's interfering with my physical fitness goals, and I can tell how much worse I feel, but there's something comforting in the mellowness that a few drinks brings, that helps keep things at arm's length. It's hard to be "present" in life, when you've spent the last several years avoiding even thinking about it. I've got a couple weeks left in my current workout cycle in which to clean up my act. When I start the next routine, I'm going to completely quit again, see how far I can take the lifting/body recomp.
All of this would be so much easier if I had some kind of emotional support. I really miss having someone in my life romantically. And I really dislike when that thought makes its presence known. I'd much rather pretend I didn't feel that way.
I'm sure there's more I was to write about, but as predicted, I can't remember what that might be. If I do, I'll write up something else. Oh Yeah! I'm supposed to go out of town the last weekend of the month to visit the gal who came to stay one weekend a while back. I talked about her, but I'll have to find a link to that weekend. Not sure if I'll go - there's a huge conflict between my body & mind on this one...
1:04 p.m. - 2014-06-13
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