They say, "fake it 'til you make it", but how many years are you supposed to try that before you give up and realize that this *is* your life?
They also say "happiness is the absence of striving for happiness". Funny thing though - it's also true when written as "depression is the absence of striving for happiness", yes?
I wonder what I did in a past life to warrant this kind of karma? To be able to feel so much compassion and empathy for others, while spending this life in emotional isolation and solitude? I can see now that I'm unable to move myself beyond this mind set, and that it's going to take an external act to change my fate. Or maybe not - maybe I'm supposed to feel this way forever; maybe there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it?
I don't want to learn it. I want to run, I want to hide from everyone and everything. I don't want to be me anymore; I want to be someone else, someone who's able to be happy; who doesn't know what this feels like, and never has. I want to be ignorant, of the pain people feel, of the pain they cause, of the pain that comes from nowhere but inside...
I feel guilty. I have a good life. I have a home, vehicles, money, I have good physical health. So why do I not give a shit anymore? And what right do I have to feel this way when so many people are truly suffering and miserable?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
12:31 p.m. - 2014-03-30
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