I'm not sure if it's connected or not, but I've been a little bummed out recently; this coincides with a lack of communication from CC since x-mas, even though I've written her a couple times. Intellectually, I've long ago accepted that at any point, I may never hear from her again, and I think (thought?) I was ok with that. Truthfully, I think I am, but that the loss of contact with someone like her (with whom I had such a good connection in person) seems to be reminding me of how much trouble I have meeting anyone worthwhile, and just how long it's been. And having quit drinking this month, the few times I've gone out have shown me I don't really enjoy that crowd without alcohol. Still enjoy the music, but the scene leaves me wanting.
I guess part of what stresses me out a bit is that I've been living that lifestyle for so long, I really have no idea how to... reinvent? myself, especially without friends with whom to try new things. Bars/venues are a bit more conducive to solitary people, as you can just hide/blend in, and bands/drinks are all the reason a person needs to be there, but what else allows that? I tried bowling with some people from work, but I don't really click with them beyond social chit-chat.
I've been doing pretty well recently at feeling positive (or at least ignoring being single) but the last week or two, I've just been reminded that with each year that goes by, it's going to become more difficult to find something amazing, and that's really all I'm interested in.
�Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them.�
― Tiffanie DeBartolo
I just fear that "extraordinary" is long ago out of reach, and that thought makes me inescapably sad.
9:44 p.m. - 2014-01-14
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