For the last few days, I've been really bummed out. I'm sure the neck issue is a big part of getting the mood started, but it's grown beyond that. I've gone out Tuesday and last night, and had entirely too many drinks, but I needed to. I've no idea what I'm doing in this life, why I'm even here, and it's bothering me. The one thing I'd found to do that brought any enjoyment, I'm currently unable to do, and it's reminded me that all I'm really doing is killing time until I'm dead. That's all any of us are really doing, although most people find others with whom to share this life experience. And I don't necessarily mean *significant others*, I mean friends, close family, etc. I don't know how to be close to anyone but an S.O. I don't know what intimacy/caring is, between friends, it's completely foreign to me.
Healthy people have support groups; close friends and/or family who will encourage and support them, so that if something goes wrong in one aspect of their life, they have others on whom to rely. I mean, I can see that, I know it's true for a lot of people, but I've never known it. I don't know how to find it, and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to recognize it, or how to maintain it. I may have success in parts of my life, but I feel like a failure in the only areas that I think are important. I fail at relationships of any kind, save acquaintances. Acquaintances are fine, but they're not what I want/need. Again, I'm not saying I need a girl; I need friends, close friends. Problem is that, even if people want to be close to me, I can't open up to it. I don't know how to, and to be honest, it scares me a bit. Every life lesson I've had tells me that people will always look out for #1, and therefore can't be counted on.
I've always felt that men need to be strong, and need to handle their own issues. I became very self-reliant, especially after a time or two of relying on others, only to have them let me down. For a long time, even growing up, I didn't have anyone to whom I could turn when I had a problem, I had to either take care of it myself, or let it be. I somehow learned to be embarrassed/ashamed of my feelings, and became an expert at burying/hiding them. That's who I am today. I hide my feelings until I can't handle them anymore, then I need to escape, which is why I tend to drink. I rarely ever drink when I feel good/positive about life. I just can't take sitting in this house alone every night, and every day on the weekends, for weeks/months/years on end. This "alone" feeling is so second-nature now, that I'm pretty sure I've always felt this way. I can remember, even when I was only 5-6 yrs old, feeling like I was completely isolated. There were times back then, and even into elementary/middle/high school, where people/teachers would have to force me to participate.
I don't know if it has to do with how I was/wasn't raised, or if there's something physically/chemically/mentally wrong with me. but I feel like I've been alone all my life, and the longer life goes on, the more alone & lonely I feel. Sometimes I have to wonder why I even bother trying to get past it anymore.
I did call my old psychiatrist last night (after several drinks) and asked him to contact me so we could set up an appointment. I'm thinking that maybe I should get drunk before I go see him, so that maybe I can be honest about things I normally wouldn't talk about. That's kind of pitiful, isn't it? YaY, me!
Depression sucks.
2:27 p.m. - 2013-08-02
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