Go back one entry to read about the circumstances around my quitting the band.
And sorry about the "goodbye" thing last night. I'm disgusted with myself for always feeling/writing the same pitiful shit all the time, and being unable to change it. I don't know what to do anymore... I'm sick of drinking, but I haven't been able to find a way to socialize without it. I get too self-conscious/nervous/introverted without a few drinks, and then once I start having a good time, I have more drinks. I can stay home - have in the past, and occasionally recently, but after a while, I get too lonely, and feel a need to go out again.
I was hitting "random entry" on my journal last night, and literally every entry contained something negative about loneliness, solitude, emptiness, etc. and most talked about going out and drinking. The medications I've tried have all been a waste of time, and I've been seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist for literally over a decade - that's not working either. What I see now is that counseling isn't working, and meds aren't working either. This implies that things won't be changing, and I can look forward to a life full of solitude & emptiness. In the back of my head, I know that's not necessarily true, but I'm having a lot of difficulty believing it.
I feel lost.
2:36 p.m. - 2012-09-29
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