My ma went into the hospital yesterday for back surgery - they're fusing two of her lumbar vertabrae because the disc is pretty much gone, and she's having trouble with nerve impingement. I have to pick her up from the hospital today (possibly tomorrow, depending on how she's doing) and take her home, get her settled in. My grandmother is going to stay with her for a couple days, then my sis is coming in to town to stay as well. I guess she'll be out of commision for 6-8 weeks, roughly. I've been lucky to have never needed surgery (aside from when they had to stitch my face back together after the car accident), and I hope that continues, because I can't imagine having to go through something like that.
This blue-eyes thing has me kind of mentally stirred up again, and I'm having a difficult time with it. Not about her specifically, but my situation, my inability to ask women out, to be forward enough to pursue someone who interests me. I never learned how to, and it's my guess that in that particular aspect, my self-esteem is too low to take a chance. I'm pretty confident in most aspects of my life, but not in regards to women (well, maybe just in regards to emotional connection/intimacy). I think the situation with my ex-wife, both with our son, and the infidelity/divorce, has broken the part of me that can create emotional attachment. I want it, but I'm afraid of it. I need it, but I can't admit it, so I live my life as independent and solitary as I can, pretending that it's how I want things to be. I guess a part of me does want things that way, because then there's no chance I'm going to be hurt again if I don't put myself out there.
I didn't realize just how much this bothered me, but I almost feel like crying after writing that. I won't, of course, because that would mean acknowledging those feelings, and I don't think I can do that, especially here at work, and by the time I get home, I probably won't remember I felt this way.
:-(
9:41 a.m. - 2012-05-17
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