Not sure if I mentioned it, but this past Friday, Viv got together with The Crush and a woman I'll call The Nurse for now (as I'm not sure whether she'll be around much). These three used to hang out together all the time, and in fact, I met them all at the same time at a club we all used to frequent downtown. It's been years since they've been able to hang out together, and years since I've seen them all together too. Viv sent me a text that evening saying I should come meet up with them at this gay bar downtown (Viv's choice, as they had dancing and that's what the three of them used to do all the time). Anyway, I got there & Viv & the Crush were pretty drunk (Nurse was the DD for the night) and there was a lot of flirty banter being thrown around, just as it used to be. The girls would go out on the dance floor, and I'd stand around the edge of the room watching the crowd. Every so often, one of them would come over & hang for a minute, and Viv was pretty much trying to make out with me all night (while it's nice to feel wanted, I think she's acting like we're going out again, and it's bothering me, because I don't want that).
It was good to watch the three of them having such a good time, but it made me sad too, as the memories about the Crush came back, which got me thinking about my dating life in general and the situation with Viv, and it really bummed me out. When we all left, the girls were teasing Viv & I about hooking up - I went along with the joke, but when I walked Viv to her car, I felt a need to explain, yet again, where I stood on the topic of "us". I don't remember the conversation too well (actually, not much at all) but since the next day, things have been awkward. She's been depressed & mopey, and I feel like I must have been a real jerk, regardless of how honest I was being.
Recently, we've been going to a local brewery on Sunday nights to an open mic night a buddy is running, and she went again last night. She sent me a text saying the "(my buddy) wants to know if you're coming up?" I replied that I wasn't really in the mood for it, so probably not, which was true, to an extent. I wanted to be on my own last night, not around people who were going to want to talk to me. I went out on my own, and rather early for me, but it was all I felt I could do. I got a text from her later that said "I'm not up there anymore, so you can go if you want to". I didn't think she would take it that way, like I was trying to avoid her, and I told her I wasn't, that I really didn't want to go up there. I asked her if it was fun, and if she decided to sing (she mentioned possibly doing that, but I didn't expect it as she never has before and is very shy). She said that she just wasn't in the mood to, and we kind of left things at that.
Part of me honestly was avoiding her, but it wasn't just her. I feel really isolated again. Seeing the three of them together again put me right back in the frame of mind I was in so many years ago, having someone who wanted to be with me, yet wanting another. "Settling" for a nice girl and giving it a shot, rather than waiting for someone I really wanted. Realizing that in all this time, I've not made any forward progress - I'm still the same schmuk I was back then, just a little older and a little more resigned to being alone. I realize I have no social skills for meeting women, therefore I have no chance to start a relationship with anyone. Even if I do meet someone, I'm so socially awkward that I have no way to communicate my interest in them - I have no idea how to do so without feeling like a complete idiot. I modified my earlier post because I felt stupid for having posted parts of it, but I'll say it here, now; I really would like to have enough money that I could pick up & move away, somewhere nobody knows me, somewhere I can disappear and become a ghost, somewhere where the isolation I feel can be explained by the fact that I *am* isolated, rather than just feeling that way around a bunch of people I know, which makes it that much worse. Somehow, it seems like that would be preferable.
And by the way, the song I posted last night? Ever since I first heard it, and especially after I saw the video, I can't get it out of my head. I've probably watched it 30 times in the last couple days, usually several times in a row. I love/hate that song, because if you watch the video, you can see the emotional exchange between the two of them, and those emotions just seem to resonate with me (the video really was well done!). I realized last night that in some ways, it fits my feelings with CC pretty well, so now I've been pining over her again too. Well, not her so much as the situation, and the lost opportunity, and that's got me all 'negative ned' as well.
I think it's time to disappear from the real world for a while. I'll likely be back here a bit, as I've nowhere else to vent, but I think I need to avoid everyone for a bit.
*sigh*
10:36 a.m. - 2012-03-26
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart