The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous! Yesterday, it hit 81�, and on the way in to work this morning, it was still 61� - unbelievable weather for this time of year in Michigan! I rode my cycle to work yesterday & didn't even need a jacket when I went out for lunch! Not only has it been prime riding weather, but the sun and the warmth has me wanting to get back into physical activities again, like running, biking, lifting, etc. If I don't have to work this weekend (which is a distinct possibility) I'm going to finish getting my rooms arranged/setup, and see if I can get something going again on the workout front.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (why does it sound so much better to me when I say "counselor", rather than "psychiatrist" or "shrink", etc!?) and we talked a bout a couple mundane things, but eventually touched on something we both think needs to be explored. Without getting into too much depth (because I don't know that I could yet), basically, not only am I emotionally shut off when it comes to relationships, I'm unable to even open up on a friendship level. I'm not comfortable with vulnerability and/or sharing much of my emotional content. I mentioned to him that I really don't have an issue with discussing things of an emotional nature if it comes up in conversation (I never bring them up myself, which is likely another issue), but that I do so with an almost clinical detachment. I can talk about the loss of my child, my father's suicide, my divorce, etc., and all of the emotions that came up during those experiences, but I refuse to allow myself to actually feel those emotions, or let even a small sample of them show, to anyone. I've even shut them off from my psychiatrist, which is probably unhealthy, but that's how... scared? of them I am. I don't want to feel them (the negative ones, anyway) ever again, and to me, it's preferable to not feel anything, than risk that kind of soul-crushing pain again.
That must be one of the reasons I drink - it puts that "guardian" to sleep, and lets me feel things (both good and bad), albeit through a dulling fog, which may be the only way I can cope at present. I don't really enjoy drinking, I don't really want to be bothered with it, but there's only so much isolation I can handle. I've tried going out and not having drinks, but 99% of the time, I get so uncomfortable within the first 5-10 minutes, so convinced that I don't fit in, that I don't belong, that I'll leave & go straight home to lament my inability to be a normal, functional human. Give me 3-4 drinks, however, and I can approach people, I can be social, charming, flirtatious and silly - generally, a lot closer to how I like to be on a normal basis. Unfortunately, I never stop at 3-4, and once I get to maybe 6-7, I start to do things that make me feel like a total idiot the next day, even though most people may not even notice/think is out of line, or just dismiss as me being a little too tipsy.
For example - I ran into the cute girl from the bike shop where I bought my indoor trainer the other night at the bar. She was walking in with some guy as I was walking out - she was surprised, and seemed happy to see me, and under normal circumstances, i would have simply said hi, asked how things were going, but as I was feeling pretty upbeat, I gave her a hug (which she did return to an extent). Now, most people probably wouldn't think twice about that, but I was actually embarrassed by that - I don't know here anywhere near well enough to be hugging, and honestly, I'll probably avoid the shop for several months now. Isn't that kind of fucking stupid? I mean, really, who cares? But I do, and my behavior (as tame as it may be) really discourages me. Hell, I even wrote to CC again after the bar one night this week, just a quick hello, said I was thinking of her & felt a need to write, hoped she was well, and to let me know if she'd rather not hear from me again. Not really a big deal, but I felt like a complete ass the next day. I mean, total moron - what kind of idiot continues to write to a woman who doesn't reply for months, if ever, especially when there wasn't really much there to begin with? Yet I do/did, because the only time I can be even somewhat honest about my feelings is when I'm drinking, and then I lose my better judgement.
Ugh. I need help. *sigh*
Time to get back to work...
11:18 a.m. - 2012-03-15
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