I've been horribly stressed and irritable recently, and it seems to have gotten worse just after the good weekend I had, which reinforces my theory that life will not allow me to be *too* happy...Work has been insane, and the apparent stupidity here has been rampant. I actually had to walk away from my boss & the production manager, in the middle of a "discussion" because I was so mad that I thought I would say something I would end up regretting. I think, as of this morning, I might have most of it out of my system, but I also think that's only because I don't have the energy anymore to continually be *that* pissed off.
Ugh. So anyway, on to the next... I got a reply on facespace from The Crush, after writing to her a week or two ago. I feel like a bad friend, because after she had her kid (3rd one), I sort of left her alone for a while; mostly for altruistic reasons, as I remember how tired & stressed out my sis & bro-in-law were when they had their newborns, and I didn't wan to bother her. There's a part of me though, that still avoids anything to do with newborns, because they still make me sad/uncomfortable (once they're older, it's not so bad). Anyway, I wrote and apologized for my "absence", and that I'd been thinking about her, hoped they were all doing well, etc. and when was a good time to call. She replied that she'd been thinking of me as well, and that her newborn was a really good baby and that she hasn't really been that tired/stressed, because the kid sleeps through the night, and that I could call any time. I might call her today - I've been avoiding it because I've been so stressed out from work, but today isn't too bad, so we'll see.
Speaking of sad/uncomfortable, it's that time of the year again - I'll be driving over to the cemetery on Tuesday to visit my son. It's hard to get my mind around it, but he would have been 12 years old this year. Anyway, it's my Valentine's Day ritual, and even though it makes me sad, I've come to look forward to it a bit. I get to sit with him, so to speak, think about what's been happening in my life, how things are now, and how they might have been different. I just sit, and allow thoughts to come to me as they will, and most of the time, I get "signs" from him, whether it's an answer to a question I've been pondering, or even something as simple as whether it's time for me to head back home. I don't remember when it was, but there was a particular year when I went and the feel changed for me, from sadness and grief, to one of acceptance, maybe even a little comfort. I'm not sure what I'll do if ever I have a chance to move away; will I fly home & visit still, or will I finally be able to close that chapter and move on? I sort of feel responsible, in a way, to remember him, as my ex did her best to put the entire situation out of her mind, and likely doesn't even think about it anymore (not that I blame her at all - she moved on, has a family of her own now). I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who remembers or thinks about him anymore, and if I don't, it will be as if he never existed, and I just can't allow that to happen...
Still haven't heard from the Joker, GRJ, or CC - can't decided if I think that's funny, or sad, or a bit of both, but oh well... If they can't be bothered to contact me, I guess I'm better off without them, right?
Oh yeah! Guess who I ran into yesterday evening? Blue-Eyes! I had to pick up some things from the store, and I ended up in her checkout lane. Unfortunately, I was still in a pretty bad mood from work, so I wasn't able to do more than say hi, but I did get a cute smile and greeting from her. She's still as cute as ever - hopefully, I'll have a chance to interact with her when I'm in a better mood, maybe I'll even be able to ask her out at some point. Related to that, I'm looking forward to goi9ng out this weekend, and hoping I'll run into the two gals from last weekend. If I can keep my mood on an upswing, I might have the courage to get one (or both) of their numbers. Wish me luck, I could use it!
12:19 p.m. - 2012-02-10
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