I realized something last night - I've been easily irritable for the majority of the last few years. There was a time several years back, when I was at peace with my life, with who I was and what I had in my life, even though I was single and not dating. I knew I had what I needed, and that if I needed something else, it would manifest in my life when it should. That's when things started to turn around for me. I had already proven to myself that a person attracts that which they focus on the most - for years, I was convinced I had the worst luck in the world, and that nothing ever went right for me. In evidence of this, I could cite no fewer than 2-3 per week that had gone wrong for me, whether it be a flat tire on my car, or having it break down with an expensive repair needed, or my house flooding, or slipping and falling, coming down with illnesses, etc. It got so bad, my family couldn't believe the string of negative things happening to me (fortunately, there were few major life-issues, they were mostly just huge inconveniences).
Eventually, I realized (with the help of some very interesting books) that the reason all of that was happening was that I expected it to - even the illnesses. It was a "eureka" moment when I finally accepted it, even though I'd known it in my mind for quite some time. The first step was working on the illness-side of things - I made a decision that I just wasn't going to get sick anymore, that in fact, I *didn't* get sick anymore. If I felt bad, I chalked it up to allergies, or the strenuous activity I'd recently done, or a lack of sleep, or drinking, etc. and I refused to let anything develop past that. Believe it or not, it worked, and still does! In the last several years, I can count on one hand the times I've been really sick (sick enough to need a doctor, even if I didn't go).
I mention all of this for one reason - I wonder why it's so easy for me to believe I can do that, then turn around & not believe I can do the same for my love life/relationships/friendships? If I could convince myself that I don't get sick, and that I didn't need anything beyond what I had (letting go of the *need* for material possessions), that happiness truly came from within, why can't I do the same for my outlook, for my attitude? Why can't I be the guy who's always happy, peaceful, patient, satisfied, at ease? I think it's because I spend so much time focusing on the fact that I'm not involved with someone, and I really want to be. I think it's because I currently believe life isn't worth living, if I have nobody with whom to share it. To this point (since having drifted back to this place of negativity), I have no goals, I have no dreams, nothing to which I look forward in anticipation, etc. When I think about things I could be doing (as I picture them in my head), I can imagine them being fun, and that I'd be happy doing them, but every time I picture myself smiling, laughing, having a good time, (and I mean *every* time), the image in my head looks around for that person I want to be sharing it with, and I realize there's nobody there, and the happiness evaporates.
So tell me, does happiness, contentment, require others? Not just a significant other, but even friends? When you imagine yourself doing something that you really enjoy, does part of the enjoyment come from sharing it with another, even if it's by way of telling them about it after the fact? Does it seem like it would be just as fun if you had nobody to share it with, if it remained a secret that nobody else ever found out about? See, this is the thing that trips me up every time - it's very similar to the "if a tree falls in the forest" question; "if a person does something fun, and nobody ever knows about it, is it really all that fun?"
I think if I could get a grip on this issue, it might solve a lot of things for me. It would allow me the opportunity to set goals, to find things to look forward to, to find a purpose to this life. I really want to believe there is a reason for my being here, beyond being a warning/bad example to others of what not to do, how not to live. I think I feel it coming, a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm hesitant to get my hopes up too far.
10:55 a.m. - 2012-01-17
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