Something I forgot to write about a few nights back - I've been watching Gh0st Hunt3rs whenever I see it on, and this past Wednesday was the season premiere. They investigated a theme park near me, one I went to a few times as a child. It was a bit surreal to see them investigate a place I've actually visited, and maybe that had something to do with it. Usually, I don't have any issues with sleep in my new place (well, not since the first month or so) but for some reason that night, I felt like there was a lot "going on". I don't remember much of it anymore (there were 3-4 things that happened that night) but the one I do remember is that at one point, very early in the morning, something happened that I can't explain (this was probably the 2-3rd "happening" of the night). I was just lying there, partially awake**, and I felt something land on the bed near my feet. (**I say partially awake, because I am what's called a "lucid dreamer" and at times, it's a bit difficult to tell whether I'm dreaming or not.) I was a bit weirded out, but didn't think much more about it, and continued to rift between sleeping and waking. Then i felt movement, like little footsteps, walking up behind my back (as I was lying on my side). Next thing I know, I got "head-butted" & rubbed on my shoulder! I say head-butted, because it's the exact thing my little boy-cat used to do to me. He would come up and do that, rubbing the side of his face on me, then lie down next to me to sleep. It felt so real, that I had to reach my arm back behind me to be sure he wasn't actually there. Well, I *think* I reached back there - as I mentioned, sometimes it's hard to tell whether or not I'm awake. Obviously, there was nothing there, but I swear, it felt so real I had to wonder if he actually showed up for a few minutes! It made me really happy at the time, but when I woke up, I was very sad. It made me realize just how alone I am now. At least when I had my kittens, there were other life forms that I knew loved me & wanted to be with me. It made me realize how much I missed the little fuckers, and how much I'd like to have a couple kittens again. I have to wait until I get my kitchen finished though, because there is way too much shit for them to get into as it is now.
It actually makes me kind of sad - once I get home from work, it's like I fall off the face of the earth, as far as every other living soul on the planet is concerned, like I don't exist. I sit in my little box, and nobody knows whether I'm even alive, you know? Ugh... Enough - anyway...
I'm not being very successful regarding staying out of the bars/not drinking. I'd been doing fairly well with the weightlifting, but missed this past week entirely (not sure how many days I've gone without doing anything). I really need to find another social outlet - if I had one, I wouldn't feel a need to go out. Bars are a last resort, really, and the only time I go is when I'm bummed out or feeling entirely too isolated. I've been trying, and I've gotten out to a few jam sessions with some local musicians, but I never get a call back from them, and I'm not the type of person to push myself on others, so I don't call them. I figure if they wanted to hang/play, they'd call me, right? Well, at least it's progress of sorts - one step at a time.
My b-day is coming up in a few days, and my ma & g'ma wanted to take me out for it. I dislike acknowledging my b-day for a few reasons, but regardless, I don't want to celebrate it in any way, haven't for a long time. In fact, most people have no idea what day my b-day is on, nor even how old I am (if you happen to know, don't let on, ok?)! ;-) Point is, I went to dinner with them because it would make them happy. They want to be close to me, but to be honest, the more time I spend with them, the more I realize how little I enjoy their company. Both of them have this tendency to 1) dwell on the negative regarding their lives, 2) make horrible, harsh snap judgments about people. They judge, and condemn, and generally just make snide comments about anyone and everyone - it's nothing but negative gossip, and it disgusts me.
The negative stuff tends to be about themselves, and how they have convinced themselves that they were the world's worst mothers. It's all a bunch of "oh, I should have done this, I wasn't there for you about that, there are so many things I could have done better...� blah, blah, blah... I�ve been telling them for years (literally, decades) that there was no reason for them (or anyone, for that matter) to belittle/condemn themselves for past decisions. People make the best decisions they can at the time they have to make them, and second-guessing is a waste of time. I tell them, they made the choices they did with the best of intentions at heart, and that�s all anyone can do, and their families turned out well, their children grew to be good people, and what more can you wish for? Most everyone has regrets (as an aside, I currently have only one, and that will change, I�m sure, as time passes) but there�s no point in dwelling on those - people need to accept their life choices, be at peace with them and move on. They don�t get it, and I�m growing weary of both hearing it, and having to remind them of this.
As for the gossip-type stuff, it�s just a bunch of little things - if we�re out in public, they�ll make comments about how fat someone is, (oh, that�s just disgusting) or about how someone is raising their child (look! their feeding their kid french fries! that�s just wrong!), or whether a person they know is just selfish, or conceited, or lazy, or what-have-you. They claim to be good, upstanding x-tians, attend church regularly, yet they apparently have zero problem judging/condemning others. �Oh, this person is living their life wrong, that person should be doing �XYZ�, I can�t stand that person because they said something that offended me...� etc. I realize that I�m doing the same to an extent, and rather than condemn them, I try my best to play devil�s advocate & offer them valid reasons people might make the choices they do. I�ve even thrown the �judge not lest ye be judged� thing out for them, but it doesn�t seem to make any difference. Normally, if I were to encounter this type of person in my life, I would just avoid them, remove them from my life in some way. I�m getting to that point now with them. I know they�re family, but there�s a quote that says (that, for the life of me, I can�t fully recall right now, so I�ll paraphrase) to surround yourself with positive people who will lift you up, and to remove the people from your life that are dragging you down. The more I interact with my (local) family, the more I realize they�re in the second group. That makes me sad as well, because when you have nobody else, you�re supposed to be able to rely on family. I feel like I have neither, and it�s very isolating.
Unfortunately, the only people I�ve ever felt were encouraging/supportive were either the occasional teacher, maybe one or two bosses, or the counselor/psychiatrist I�ve been seeing on & off for years. (How bad is it that my "best friend" is a guy I [meaning my insurance] pay over $100/hr to sit & talk with!?) Anyway, I�ve never even dated someone like that; all of the women I�ve dated have had issues (most fairly major), and I�ve been the one to try to encourage and support them, help them grow, show them they can be anything they want. I think I�m drawn to these kinds of people (even as friends) because I feel like I never had that support growing up, and I don�t want others to feel that way.
Man, I�ve got to stop now, I�m getting a headache with all this thinking/introspection. As far as meeting these mutually supportive types, my counselor has suggested both volunteer work, and perhaps a local acoustic music group. I�ve also been considering going back to school part-time, but I don�t know how well that would go. So, where does one find intelligent, well-adjusted, good-natured, mutually supportive people? Any suggestions? I can tell you one thing, it�s not in the damn bars... Ugh.
11:46 a.m. - 2012-01-16
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