So I went to my sis's Saturday night - turns out they were home; the kids came down with something while they were at the cottage, so they came home early. I felt bad because I hadn't called to let them know I was coming (there's no way I would have known they were home, but still), and I also felt like I was imposing while they were dealing with sick kids. They were really cool about it though, said it was no problem.
I ended up going to the Joker's band's gig that night, and I was very impressed with how much she's improved as a drummer! They were really good, although they weren't very high-energy on stage, but they're just getting started, and I think they're going to do very well. I saw her before the show & got a big hug. She was sitting with her b/f, and I have to say, that's the quietest guy I think I've ever met (either that, or he really doesn't like me). Didn't say two words to me, even when I was "re-introduced" and we shook hands (he actually said one word, "hey"). Since I felt he was uncomfortable with me around, I grabbed a drink & wandered to the next table, so as not to interrupt their conversation. She waved me over though, so I joined them - within seconds, literally, he walked off, and I never did talk to him again; only saw him from a distance. I don't know, I just thought it was weird, but who am I to judge weird?
Long story short, I hung out all night at the show, but only got to talk to her for the 15 minutes or so beforehand, (and maybe five at the end of the night) and yet again, found myself alone in a crowd. I wasn't even in biker mode that night, I went with the rockabilly look, so I was surprised that not one person talked to me. I got no introductions either, so I spent the night wandering between rooms, feeling out of place, and more & more isolated. This started me on a pretty big downward spiral of, well, hopelessness, I guess. I'm not doing too bad today, but last night, I was a wreck, thinking about the women I've dated (or wanted to date) all finding new lovers, seeing all the excitement & happiness they were experiencing, and just feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm never going to find that again. (I mean, I was out of town, dressed up nicely, looking about as good as a bastard like me can, and I couldn't talk to one person, let alone an attractive woman, and there were several there.) All night long last night, I kept getting images in my mind of being old and grey, hanging out in bars, looking for something/someone I'm never going to find, going home alone to an empty place, and wondering why I even bother getting out of bed anymore (kind of like this - [link removed]). I ended up chatting with Viv most of the night, and told her a bunch of things I'm rather embarrassed about now. Nothing big or horrifying, just being too open about my feelings (well, more open than I feel is right for a guy, or at least, this guy - this is why quite often I'll delete entries I make here the next morning). Not sure why, but I feel weak when I externalize those emotions; like I need to be strong, like I've no reason/right to be so low, that there's something wrong with it, and that I should just "be a man" & get over it. The worst thing I let out was how last night, all I really wanted was just to fall asleep in someone's arms, to feel safe and cared for, maybe even loved...
I'm embarrassed even admitting that now, but it's how I felt, and kind of still feel. I'm sure I'll have managed to bury that again by tomorrow, maybe even later tonight, and just be able to get on with the mundane act of day to day living.
Oh, I've got something I need to talk about later, involving Vivian... really not sure what to do about it, and I want to try to talk my way through it, see if it will help me come to a decision. I'll write more later, if I get a chance...
10:49 a.m. - 2011-11-28
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