So I'm driving today to pick up a few things, it's a beautiful, warm , sunny day, and for a second, I smile; then I look next to me in the car & realize just how alone I feel. This part of the "holiday" season is the worst for me. I have vacation time I have to take, or I lose it. I want to travel, to see people I know, to feel like I belong somewhere. My family tries hard to make me feel welcome, included, but to be honest, I've never really felt connected to any of them, and while I know they care for me, I've never felt like I belong. This makes seeing my family just another reminder of my loneliness. Also, any of the people I consider friends in this town, are either away visiting people, or are spending time with their family/friends, and I don't get a chance to see them either. I end up sitting home, watching tv/movies, trying to get motivated to work on the house and failing, or I go out for drives/cycle rides and think of how nice it would be to share it with someone. Today, when I thought to look at that empty seat next to me in the car, and just before I did, there was a split-second where I pictured myself reaching my hand out, and having someone grab hold of it, of making that connection, of feeling that warmth that comes from being with someone, and I felt like crying.
Of course, I didn't, cuz I'm some kind of macho guy & guys don't do that. *rollseyes* All the way home I thought about how nice it would have been to be with someone, to share such a gorgeous day, and then it dawned on me, just how long it's been since I've had that. Then I remembered that yes, I had in fact had that for a short time with CC, and how I managed to be my typical cowardly emotional self and sabotaged what was probably the universe's last attempt at giving me a shot at happiness. I miss just sitting on the couch with someone (yeah, I know I don't have a couch, shut up!) ;-) or having someone to share projects with, or spontaneously decide to road trip out-of-state with, etc.
Today, I wanted to keep driving, to just drive til I couldn't stand being in the car anymore, find a hotel, then come back tomorrow. I didn't, however, because I'm thinking about going over to my sister's Saturday evening - they're out of town, but said I could stay at their place for the night. The Joker's band is playing that night, and I've been wanting to see her play out. Yesterday, I was pretty positive I'd be going; today, I'm not so sure. I don't know how it's going to feel seeing her when I'm bummed out like this. I mean, I'll be glad to see/catch up with her, but I don't think there will be much of that happening. She'll be playing, then socializing, and most likely her b/f will be there, which will make me uncomfortable and much less talkative. Also, I'm really kind of over the drinking thing, and either I'll be sober all night while everyone else gets stupid, or I'll cave in, have a few drinks, and feel like shit the next day - lose/lose. I just don't know what to do - stay here & be alone until I have to go back to work Monday, or go see people & feel alone in a crowd, possibly making everyone else uncomfortable and/or bringing them down.
Sometimes, it's really hard to give a shit about anything when you've got nobody in your life to share it with. Can we just fast-forward through this stupid holiday season so I don't have to deal with it?
Please?
3:25 p.m. - 2011-11-25
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