So, the (hungarian/chek) waitress I was talking about... (did I give her a nickname yet?) I think I may have flirted with her a bit more than I intended. Having decided I'm not really interested in her, I tried to minimize that kind of thing, but apparently, I failed. She sent me a text a few days ago saying that when I come into the bar her "hurt" beats a little faster, and if I want to, i could come in, have a drink, and give her a little "hurt" attack. I didn't reply right away (was in the middle of something), and she sent me another text saying she hoped she didn't scare me off, that sometimes when she tries to be funny, it comes out weird! It was cute, the way her accent came across in text! Anyway, I wrote her back, assured her it was fine, and told her about my horrible hangover, and asked her to let me know about Sunday(apparently, late Thursday night [a night that produced my second horrible hangover in as many weeks], after giving her a ride home after work when the bar closed, I promised to take her on a cycle ride Sunday). I was also supposed to stop by and look at her internet, as it wasn't working and she wasn't sure why. She texted me Sunday & asked if we were still on, which is when I told her about the cycle and the truck having to go in the shop. Told her I could still stop by & look at the computer, but she said one of her roommates tripped on some wires, and it was now working again, told me thanks anyway for my willingness to come by, and said she hoped I had a better week ahead.
I feel bad, 1) for being my natural self (at least, when I'm comfortable with someone) and misleading her by flirting too much, 2) for not having replied right away & making her think she "scared me away" with her directness/flirting, and 3) for bailing on her on Sunday & not texting her since then. On the other hand, we never texted very often anyway, so there's not much different there. Part of me thinks I should go ahead & try dating her anyway, even if I "know" she's likely not "long-term" material, that it would be healthy for me, but I just think it would be a mean thing to do to her. That, and the fact that I would have no idea what to say if/when I decided things weren't working out - an "exit strategy" so to speak. My aversion to confrontation & drama has kept me in some relationships much longer than I should have, so for me, it's important to know how I might extract myself without overly hurting the other person (obviously, breakups hurt, but there are nice & not-nice ways to go about it).
Ok, brain hurts, next topic... spent Sunday evening with GRJ. She's just getting over a breakup from a guy she was with for three years. She'd not been doing well, and had to go to a doctor to get put on some prescriptions; one for anxiety and one for depression, and she also self-medicates with smoke, so she was pretty far out Sunday, but doing surprisingly well. Was really an odd night though - on top of her medications, she asked me to pick up some beer on the way (I picked up a six pack on the way up) and found she'd already started on beer before I got there. After my last couple hangovers, I'd decided I wasn't going to drink for a while, so I refrained. While she was playing dj all night (and what an eclectic mix!!), we did a lot of talking about her & the ex (well, she talked, I listened/confirmed), about our own relationship, both about our friendship now & also about when we were dating, and what her plans were/are for the immediate future. There were times when we were talking, where I almost thought she was going to bring up the idea of us dating again, but she never did. There was a lot more eye contact than is usual with us (likely a by-product of the meds, I'm guessing), a lot of appreciation for the maturity and extent of communication we had (whcih was a thousand times better than what she had with this jerko) , and she even got me up off the couch to dance with her a couple times. Not dancing like, nightclub booty shakin', but body-to-body, retro-40's style dancing. I was susprised she got so close to me, physically, because it's rare for us to even hug very often. It felt good, too, I must admit, and a part of me was kind of hoping she would have brought it up. I'm still quite attracted to her. Of course, I know it still wouldn't work out, like, lifetime commitment, but I do think we could be good for each other in the meantime (meaning, while looking for "Mr./Ms. Right"). Of course, that's in no way my place to bring up, and so I kept my mouth shut. There was a lot of sitting & talking, with our arms/elbows/knees/legs touching, that I found simultaneously comforting and unsettling/awkward. Finally a little after 2300, as I had an hour's drive ahead of me, I got up to leave (she was about ready to fall asleep herself, I think), got my jacket, and got another big hug from her with a thanks for coming up to hang with her (I got several of those "thank you"s interspersed throughout the night). Haven't heard from her since, and honestly, I don't expect to for a while - she & I have very similar coping strategies, so she'll likely keep to herself for a few weeks.
Chatted online with Vivian last night - apparently, she's doing much better now - got a message from an old high school crush a week or so ago, and they've been in constant contact since. In fact, they've made plans to meet up (as they're in different, but close-by states). She seems to be head-over-heels for this guy (and apparently now, she's not lesbian, or bisexual, but pan-sexual, as she told me last night, when I found out her last g/f wanted to be a man!? I didn't have the nerve to ask if (s)he had pursued any of the physical changes yet, but I had to applaud Viv for knowing what she wanted & being open to it!) , and while I'm really leary of how abruptly her mood seems to have changed, part of me is envious about how quickly she seems to be able to move on, and how easily she seems to leave past hurt in the past. For me, it's lingered for, well... too many years to count, and doesn't show any signs of abating. It's a common thing I see in others - the ability to move on, and my inability to do so, and it's discouraging to be reminded of that.
Tonight, the musician/girl crush I had is playing downtown at her usual up-scale bar gig. I'd really like to go, but 1) as I mentioned a little bit ago, she's "face-space" officially dating someone, 2) I told myself I wasn't going to be going out for a while, and 3) even if I did want to go out, I can't see sitting in a swanky bar, watching a show & not drinking *anything*. I do know that she told me she'd worked on the song I typically request, so that the next time I'm at her show, she could play it for me, and that's worth something, but I just don't know if I should. I want to, yet I don't. It's an early show too, so I wouldn't be out late (2000 to ≈ 2330)...
What do you guys think? Should I go? It's probably too late for any of you to see this in time to reply, but I feel better asking anyway...
3:12 p.m. - 2011-11-08
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