Starting to feel better, not so much congestion today. Went to see my counselor last night, did a lot of talking about how hard it is for me to get started doing the things I know I need to do. For a while, I was making some good progress on the new house, fixing it up, etc. but recently, I've kind of hit a point of "stasis", where I don't feel a strong need to finish up the details. That, and there's so much little stuff to do, on top of the bigger stuff, that I don't know where to start, not to mention that even though the things I need to do are all minor, there are so many that it feels overwhelming. We talked about how, once I get started on something I'm fine; in fact, usually, I'll end up working on a project for hours on end (and I mean8, 10, 12+ hrs at a time, usually without stopping to eat, etc.,). Without my even bringing it up again, the doc told me it was related to the ADHD issues I have, and that I needed to find a way to not be so hard on myself for not getting things started. Said that I should just pick one or two little things and get those done - that way, I'll feel like I'm making progress and not be so upset with myself that I can't seem to self-motivate.
That's a problem I've had for as long as I can remember; I'm not what one would call a "self-starter". When I'm under pressure (emergencies, or deadlines/time crunches) I can organize, prioritize, and accomplish a hell of a lot, quite well, and very quickly. When there's time, or things aren't pressing? Meh. As that relates to the house? Well, before I moved in, I had a deadline to meet, a time when I had to be out of the old place - I *had* to be done with certain things by a certain time. Now that I'm in, I've hit a point of basic comfort/necessity, where I have things set up "well enough" for me to get by. Conditions are better than they were at my last place, so to me, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Things are "good enough". Thing is, I don't like that - I want a place that I would be proud to show people, have them over to hang out, etc., and it's nowhere near that yet. This makes me reclusive, and resistant to having people over (thereby making it difficult for me to make new friends, etc.) because I feel self-conscious about the place seeming like a shit-hole (as I imagine others would think of it).
I can see the way I want everything to be in this place, but it's got so far to go that it's, as I said before, overwhelming. And I'm mad at myself for not being more like my brother-in-law, who could come in & knock out 3-4 of the projects I need to do, in a day or two. I'm not as fast as he is, but I could do them in maybe 3-4 days, if I could ever get started. Thing is, I never do. Well, it's really, really hard to, and that makes me somewhat disgusted with myself. (I was going to explain my thoughts about "mind-over-matter", but 1) I think it would just piss people of, as it usually does, and 2) it'll take too long, and will digress too far from the point) Suffice to say, I personally feel that I should be able to overcome these issues on my own, internally, and it frustrates me to no end that I can't. I know I have the ability, because I'm confident I can do anything I set my mind to, (and do, once I get started) it's just the fact that I never set my mind to anything that gets to me. This doesn't just relate to the house either - working out, making music, writing poetry... each one either seems to daunting to begin, or requires extended lengths of commitment. I get bored with things very easily. If it doesn't fascinate me, it won't last long, and usually, once I understand something, or become minorly proficient at it, I'm kind of over it. This was one of the reasons my grades were so average in school. I always thought homework was a waste of time, so I never did it.
But again, I digress... I should be working now - I have several things to do, but I've really been having trouble getting to them (what's new, really!?). Guess I should get going...
11:41 a.m. - 2011-10-27
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